


Jäger Royale

by Variabile



Series: Pousse-café [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sexting, Texting, University Students, i'm so ashamed, terrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:48:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1447453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Variabile/pseuds/Variabile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean accidentally sends half-naked selfies to an unlisted number in his contact list and it's all downhill from there and by downhill I mean that this is an university!AU entirely told through misspelled texts. A CHAPTERED university!AU entirely told through misspelled texts. You have been warned.</p><p>And yes. Yes, there will be sexting later on. I am sorry. I regret everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this problem in which sometimes I will look at a cute simple little prompt on the kink meme and I think, oh, let's write something quick, and then I blank out and when I wake up there is a 14000+ words monster file open on my desktop and I don't know what the fuck.
> 
> I am so fucking ashamed of this. I really am. Everybody is writing all these cool and interesting EreJean things with clever settings and beautiful haunting writing and I. I write this. I debated with myself if this was even worth posting, but I need to get in the habit of finishing stuff instead of just having it sit on my hard-drive half-finished for 32545345 years. Even if it's silly stuff like this. Plus I wrote waaaaay too much for it, at this point it would be a waste to not post it.
> 
> Please don't look at the timeline too closely. I didn't put timestamps on the texts in especially because I suspect that if I started to count seriously I'd break my brain. 
> 
> I also picked a weird format, and it's highly possible Eren's erratic spelling might get on your nerves rather soon. 
> 
> They're all a bit older, about 22-23. Set in Germany, so they're supposedly talking in German, but there are a lot of puns/mistakes/shorthands that make sense only in English because my German-fu is still shit tier.
> 
> This is also chock-full with my own world-building behind the scenes, so if they seem OOC is because of that. Like, Eren is a lot more randy than how I usually write him. There are also a lot of rants because they're both ranty people, and shmoopines on both sides because that's just how I write Erejean. 
> 
> What's up with the title, you might be wondering. A Jäger Royale is a shot of Jägermeister in a flute glass that is then filled with chilled champagne, because Eren is named Jäger and Jean is French in this geddit geddit. I have no idea how it tastes, but it sounds suitably disgusting.

**Unknown**  
tHE FCK  
WATH  
WAT  
WHAT THE FUCK WHO THE FUCK ARE YU

 **Me**  
I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE I'M SORRY  
THIS PHONE IS NEW I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT  
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE I'M SO FUCKING SORRY  
IT WAS A MISTAKE I'VE LOOKED AT MY PHONE ONLY NOW I'M SO SORRY  
PLEASE ERASE THOSE PICS please  
oh my god I am so sorry please don't call the police it won't happen again

 **Unknown**  
oh a mistake

 **Me**  
Yeah I don't send half-nekkid selfies to people out of the blue  
Are you going to erase them please

 **???**  
sure  
you didn't do it on purpoise  
*propose  
*PURPOSE  
I swear I can spell 

**Me**  
Thank you man. Or woman. Who are you anyway? 

**???**  
you don't know?

 **Me**  
Yeah, I said the phone's new I still haven't fixed the contacts

 **???**  
u lazy asshole

 **Me**  
hey! I'm just horrible with technology alright

 **???**  
we established this  
tho for a guy who sends selfies by mistake  
you take some good pics  
light makes you look all muscley

 **Me**  
that's no light  
I work out, I was on the gym team in hs

 **???**  
oh rlly

 **Me**  
yes really  
wait so you don't know me at all how do I even have your number?

 **???**  
I think we have a friend in common  
maybe he called you from this number once  
and you never erased it

 **Me**  
so who are you

 **???**  
u really have no idea 

**Me**  
no I don't so who are you?

 **???**  
wouldn't u like to know

 **Me**  
oh come on don't do this  
how would you feel if there was somebody out there who had lewd selfies of you  
and you didn't know who they were  
I don't even know if you're a girl

 **???**  
most def NOT a girl

 **Me**  
I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed

 **???**  
u like girls

 **Me**  
is that a question? yes I do, I'm mostly straight if that's the question  
wait do YOU like girls  
sorry that was kind of an insensitive way of asking isn't it

 **???**  
I said I will erase pics  
why does it matter  
who I am what I like

 **Me**  
well you asked first, plus you saw my butt I'm still kind of curious to know  
so are you going to give me a name at least or 

**???**  
nah  
consider this punishment  
for makin me look at ur butt

 **Me**  
come on this is terrible, seriously I'm so embarrassed I could die

 **???**  
I'll tell you k  
but first I wanna chat a lil mor  
would u mind

 **Me**  
why

 **???**  
I kinda wanna know u

 **Me**  
but you said you're a boy

 **???**  
I am

 **Me**  
so why

 **???**  
so I'm just gonna come clean  
how pissed would u be if I told u  
I rlly like the pics  
like rlly rlly like kinda

 **Me**  
OMFG WHy  
fuck this is the worst

 **???**  
calm down

 **Me**  
no don't fucking tell me to calm down there's some stranger fapping to my pics out there

 **???**  
I AM NOT A STRANGER  
WE'VE BEEN TALKING FOR LIKE 2 HOURS  
THAT AT LEAST AN ACQUAINTANCE

 **Me**  
WHY ARE YOU NOT DENYING THE FAPPING PART

 **???**  
...

 **Me**  
ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL  
I am crying this is the worst

 **???**  
I thought it was ON PURPOSE K  
isn't this why ppl sends pics  
so the other person is all 'wow he hot'  
and do the thing

 **Me**  
yeAH BUT IT'S NOT ON PURPOSE THAT MAKES IT NOT OK

 **Creep**  
I'm sorry  
I wanted to come clean  
but I made things worse

 **Me**  
yeah you could say that

 **Creep**  
you look really hot tho 

**Me**  
THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OK  
but thank you  
BUT YOU'RE STILL A CREEP

 **Creep**  
HEY U R 1 WHO SENT PICS  
I ASSUMED U WERE HITTING ON ME K  
WHO THE FUCK SENDS BUTT PICS BY MISTAKE  
THAT A SPECIAL KINDA STUPID RIGHT THERE

 **Me**  
YEAH WELL WHO FAPS TO PICS OF RANDOM PEOPLE HITTING ON THEM VIA BUTT PICS  
THAT'S A SPECIAL KIND OF CREEP

 **Creep**  
look I said I was srry  
when you sent those I sorta  
I was all damn he's hot what do  
and I kinda panicked

 **Me**  
when you panic you fap what are you

 **Creep**  
my brain is wired weird leave me alone  
do u wanna stop txting y/n  
I'll erase the pics I promise

 **Me**  
do you really think I'm hot or are you just saying that to make me feel better  
about sending you random selfies  
if that's the case thank you but nooooooooooooooooooooo

 **Creep**  
sadly yes I do think u hottie

 **Me**  
hottie, uhu  
why sadly

 **Creep**  
because you're prob an asshole 

**Me**  
you're right but still fuck you how would you even know

 **Creep**  
bottle blonds are dbags

 **Me**  
motherfucker it's called dishwater blond I don't dye my hair

 **Creep**  
sure whatevs  
ur eyebrows are dark  
eyebrows don't lie

 **Me**  
Shakira stfu  
my happy trail is the same shade of blond as the top of my head

 **Creep**  
oh rlly

 **Me**  
NO WAIT  
DON'T LOOK AT THOSE PICS AGAIN

 **Creep**  
CSI music  
/enhance enhance enhance

 **Me**  
DAMMIT

 **Creep**  
whaddaya know it's true  
lol  
amazing

 **Me**  
FUCK YOU YOU'RE A FUCKING PERVERT

 **Creep**  
HEY YOU'RE THE 1 WHO TOOK SELFIES  
AND TOLD ME TO LOOK AT UR HAPPY TRAIL  
I'M AS MUCH OF A VICTIM AS YOU ARE

 **Me**  
I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE  
DOUCHEBAG

 **Creep**  
ASSHOLE  
seriously why the selfies tho  
is that like a daily ritual for u or  
snapchat exists you now  
if u like to send nekkid pics w/out risk

 **Me**  
no actually, I didn't want to send anything in the first place  
I was buying underwear, I wanted to see how those looked on me  
the fitting room had too little light to see properly  
so I took some pics with the flash function  
new phone had the share button where old phone had the erase button

 **Creep**  
lol that's genius

 **Me**  
the first contact in the list happened to be an unlisted number  
which happened to be yours the one creep who faps to random stranger pics  
I'm so lucky

 **Creep**  
you still angry bout that

 **Me**  
what kind of question is that of course I am wouldn't you be

 **Creep**  
y probs but I'm angry bout most stuff  
I rlly am sorry tho

 **Me**  
ok I got that

 **Creep**  
no I'm rlly rlly sorry k  
cause it makes you not wanna talk  
but I wanna talk still

 **Me**  
talk about what

 **Creep**  
I unno like chat?

 **Me**  
but why, I mean, I get why would keep the pics kinda (creepo) but why chatting with me  
also nice you've given up on all pretenses of being able to spell

 **Creep**  
I unno u seem like fun  
Im lazy butt lol  
u understand tho  
what I say I mean

 **Me**  
lol no I am not fun I am a dick ask anybody  
seriously don't start chatting with me because you think I look good or stuff  
1) I'm busy as fuck  
2) I will probably end up saying some hurtful bullshit  
3) you are still the biggest creeper who ever creeped (and you can't spell)  
so stay clear

 **Creep**  
u are def fun :D  
I am a dick too :DDDD  
and ur not v busy  
u keep on txt me back  
even if I no spell n creep  
u lonely lol

 **Me**  
wow you really are a dick

 **Creep**  
stop txt me if you wanna  
I will erase pics  
u don't even need to say it  
promise  
but as long as u txt I will txt back

 **Me**  
ok but don't expect this to last long lol  
I'll grow tired or you'll grow tired I give it at most a day

 **Creep**  
we'll see

 **Me**  
is that a challenge?

 **Creep**  
maybe B)

 **Me**  
omg sunglasses emoticon what are you  
I gtg now sorry creeper

 **Creep**  
txt u later if u want to

 **Me**  
you can try I'll probably not answer though


	2. Chapter 2

**Creep**  
so which ones did u buy

**Me**  
what

**Creep**  
you were buying undies rite  
in the selfies  
which ones did u buy

**Me**  
WHY DO YOU CARE

**Creep**   
I hope the blue ones   
ur ass looked less flat in those

**Me**  
fuck you

**Creep**  
you totes bought the blue ones

**Me**  
fuck you I hate you  
wait the share button has an history, can I cross that with phone call history  
I'm going to find out who you are you asshole just watch me

**Creep**  
watching u figure out tech  
is like watching a monkey  
dancing around the monolith   
in 2001 A Space Odyssey

**Me**  
oh fuck are you that guy Armin's always going on about  
the one who studies cinema

**Creep**  
who me I don't know any Armins

**Me**  
lol gotcha  
your name is Eren you're my age you study cinema, Armin called me from your phone one time   
yeah it's totally you  
I swear to fucking god Eren answer I know it's you  
I'm calling Armin  
I am seriously actually calling Armin  
On count of three I'm calling Armin  
1  
2

**Creep**  
WTF YOU ACTUAL ASSHOLE   
DON'T INVOLVE ARMIN

**Me**  
NEXT TIME ANSWER ME

**Creep**  
I WAS EMBARRASSED K

**Me**  
I AM THE ONE WITH THE NEKKID PICS ON YOUR PHONE FUCK YOU  
YOU DON'T GET TO BE EMBARRASSED  
I CLAIM EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO EMBARRASSMENT FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THIS BULLSHIT THING

**Creep**  
I erased them now happy

**Me**  
that is such a bold-faced lie I can tell even via txt you fuckin asshole

**Creep**  
FINE  
 _Incoming image file..._  
THERE  
 _Incoming image file..._  
WE ARE EVEN NOW  
 _Incoming image file..._  
R U HAPPY  
 _Incoming image file..._

**Me**  
no I am not what the fuck I didn't want to see your BUTT   
THIS IS NOT THE INTENDED EFFECT THAT I WANTED TO ACHIEVE

**Creep**  
u keep on telling urself that  
if I find those posted anywhere   
I make shoes out of your skin k

**Me**  
dude calm down  
you didn't post mine so I don't post yours  
so this is really you uhu

**Creep**  
yeah why

**Me**  
no it's just that you look...different from what I imagined?

**Creep**  
u all confused 'cuz I hot

**Me**  
WHAT NO

**Creep**  
lol

**Me**  
you're better-looking than what I thought, I'll give you that  
I mean I imagined a creep so I imagined this old crusty fucker with a trenchcoat

**Creep**  
I have trenchcoat!!!!  
can wear it if u wanna  
we could roleplay  
I'll be perverted flasher  
and u be innocent schoolboy

**Me**  
you are a terrible person all around what are you  
what workout routine do you follow those are some nice abs

**Creep**  
lotta crunches   
but I put up mass easy

**Me**  
lucky, I look scrawny no matter what I do

**Creep**  
I like your bodytype  
like your legs esp sexy  
show more of them in next pic

**Me**  
oh I know you like my bodytype you creep  
ask for pics again and I'm using my sexy legs to go file a restraining order 

**Creep**  
lol fuck you  
I'll believe that when I see that  
the restraining order I mean  
so are you going to give me a name   
or do I have to keep ur contact as HSDB

**Me**  
what

**Creep**  
hot selfie douchebag

**Me**  
you're dumb  
My name is Jean  
like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables

**Creep**  
k  
u french or something

**Me**  
oui

**Creep**  
well that explains how bitchy you are

**Me**  
HEY FUCK YOU  
where are YOU from, mr. smartass

**Creep**  
germany

**Me**  
Eren isn't very German-sounding  
plus you're like...tan?????

**Creep**  
tryin to insult me or compliment me   
I can't tell

**Me**  
'tan' is a compliment sort of kind of in my standards like a big one

**Creep**  
...

**Me**  
I LIKE BRUNETS IS THAT A CRIME  
I DON'T TAN I GET PEPPER RED AND THEN I SHED SKIN LIKE A SNAKE  
AND MY HAIR IS THIS WEIRD NOT BLOND NOT BROWN COLOR????  
SO I FIND BRUNETS COOL AND IF THAT'S WRONG I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT

**Creep**  
lol   
I like how u look tho  
I'm half-turk pls no stupid comments

**Me**  
stop complimenting me you creep it's not working  
wait you can make dumb comments about my Frenchiness   
but I can't make dumb comments about your Turkishness that's dumb

**Creep**  
u keep on tellin urself that  
you wrote dumb 3 times in 1 sentence   
that's dumb too   
but u don't hear me complain

**Me**  
you're such a fucking smartass why do I even put up with you

**Creep**  
because u think I'm hot

**Me**  
no you're the one who thinks I'm hot remember???

**Creep**  
no u

**Me**  
you talk about little else dude  
your number one topic of conversation so far has been how much I make you drool

**Creep**  
no u

**Me**  
you're so thirsty for me poor Eren, you'd do anything for my attention  
even sending terrible selfies I didn't ask for

**Creep**  
no u  
you can erase pics  
if you hate them so much

**Me**  
no they're my insurance against you posting mine  
btw I checked and you do look like the Eren Jäger who's friends with Armin on Fb  
asked friendship so I can see your undoubtedly interesting posts   
about what random strangers you're currently fapping to

**Creep**  
give u friend  
tho u no friend  
ur butt friend

**Me**  
ok that made me lol but are your speech patterns deteriorating or just me

**Creep**  
txt bad tired  
or relax somtimes  
can't be assed to typ good  
but then I shake myself  
n I type well for a moment again  
but mos lazy

**Me**  
you're so weird lol  
but I feel much better now that I know you're a real person   
and that I have half naked selfies of you on my phone so I can fight back in case it's needed  
you're Mikasa's brother?

**Creep**  
wait u the Jean who asked her out   
that Jean  
'u have pretty hair Mikasa' 

**Me**  
ugh don't remind me of that please this is humiliating enough as is

**Creep**  
why

**Me**  
because she obviously thinks I'm an awkward loser????

**Creep**  
when she told me bout it  
she said u cute

**Me**  
WHAT   
WGAHT  
OMG  
TELL HER IF SHE MINDS CALLING OUR FIRSTBORN LUC FOR MY GRANDFATHER  
no but seriously did she really say that?  
Eren?  
Eren, you didn't take me seriously, did you? I was kidding  
but if I have a chance with your sister, would you mind helping me?  
I really do like her, I think she's kickass  
I'm a nice boy I promise  
Eren? where did you go?

**Creep**  
u don't have chance  
she said ur cute  
but not her type

**Me**  
Are you sure?

**Creep**  
Y SURE   
LEARN TO TAKE NO AS AN ANSWER   
DICKBAG

**Me**  
wow touchy  
I know how to take no as answer, I just never gave her a chance to answer at all  
because I thought I made a fool of myself once and for all  
so when you said she found me cute I got my hopes up a little

**Creep**  
oh  
u sad?

**Me**  
a little bit, yeah, but deep down I know she's too much for me  
she's an incredible woman  
but you know that, she's your sister after all

**Creep**  
she's not all that

**Me**  
ugh I'm going to assume you're talking like this to cheer me up  
but don't ever say that, she's amazing  
have you seen her at the karate championship last month?  
of course you did she's your sister lol  
she just wiped the floor with everybody lol  
btw why didn't we meet there? weird

**Creep**  
I do karate too  
I was training for men's champ  
while she was competing

**Me**  
really? What belt? Did you place in the championship?

**Creep**  
black but black = expert is a misconception  
it just mean you have the basics  
no longer a simple trainee more or less  
after that there is dan levels  
I'm shodan which is   
the 1st level black belt  
I've got nidan exams soon!  
nidan = 2nd level black belt  
I placed 2nd in the champ!

**Me**  
really? cool! what level is Mikasa?  
And congrats! Your family is full of champions, isn't it

**Creep**  
sandan  
thks

**Me**  
I checked on Google, sandan is third, next level after nidan, right?  
wow she's impressive, getting such a high level so young  
is she planning on continuing with martial arts? 

**Creep**  
I dunno u should ask her  
if u can get words out this time  
n don't look like a complete idiot

**Me**  
wow no need to be a dick  
you said she thought I was cute!

**Creep**  
y she said in the same tone  
you use when talkin bout  
a 3 legged dog  
'poor disgraced thing tries so hard'

**Me**  
wow, asshole. What brought on this new wave of dickery

**Creep**  
ur the asshole  
one moment u flirt w/ me  
next u all Mikasa Mikasa Mikasa

**Me**  
1) we weren't flirting   
2) I really do like her and care about her is that a crime

**Creep**  
1) u keep on tellin urself that  
2) u talkin to me now not Mikarin

**Me**  
WE WERE NOT I don't flirt with creeps  
she's your sister and I haven't seen her in a while I was just catching up  
you call her Mikarin? that's cute! can I call her Mikarin too?

**Creep**  
u could try to call her Mikarin  
will be fun to watch her   
bend u like pretzel lol

**Me**  
ok message received no calling her Mikarin tho you could have just said no  
you are being a dick, you know  
wait  
Eren, are you a bit jealous, perhaps?

**Creep**  
WAT NO  
why would I be  
I have more of a shot w/ u than she does  
even if u like her more rn  
u actually talk to me

**Me**  
lol

**Creep**  
wat 

**Me**  
you are so totally jealous  
also you think you have  
have a shot? with me? a shot with me you think you have a shot with me  
a shot at what

**Creep**  
I dunno a shot w/ you  
you in general  
u mean I don't

**Me**  
YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOT YOU NEVER HAD A SHOT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A SHOT  
I AM 99% STRAIGHT AND EVEN IF I LIKED DICK YOURS WOULD BE REALLY REALLY REALLY   
REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY   
REALLY REALLY LOW ON THE LIST OF DICKS I'D LIKE TO TRY OUT  
CREEPO

**Creep**  
...  
to quote a person  
'you could have just said no'

**Me**  
I told you I was an asshole. There you go.   
I am an asshole and you have no shots with me  
you can stop texting me now, go live your life

**Creep**  
fuck you ur a asshole for real  
like fuck I'm stopping to txt  
no way I'm letting u win

**Me**  
it's not a challenge

**Creep**  
y it is u think u win  
if u can convince me ur not into me  
as much as I am into u  
but it's all bullshit  
I'll show you  
I gtg now but you'll hear from me

**Me**  
what are you  
on what drugs are you on


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly surprised that people like this fic. But thank you! I hope this chapter is fun to read too. 
> 
> In today's installment: trouble in paradise. Because it wouldn't be Erejean without arguing over some minor ridicolous shit. Also in case it wasn't clear this is mostly written out ("written") with minor exceptions here and there so chapter posting will be somewhat fast, with some luck. Also-also I've decided to be honest and admit I have no idea how long this will be in the end. Also-also-also the chapters will be somewhat longer from now on because I have an embarrassing number of words for this.

**Creep**  
but if I don't have a shot

 **Me**  
wtf do you want I'm at lesson

 **Creep**  
better I need to rant anyway  
as I was sayin  
but if I don't have a shot  
then why do u keep on txt back?  
and u were being all flirty before  
and u noticed my abs  
and just reread that convo  
and tell me it doesn't look like  
I totally have a shot  
like just honestly look at it and tell me

 **Me**  
sigh

 **Creep**  
ask Armin to read it for u or sumthng  
if u gotta keep ur denial glassees on  
BUT I HAVE A SHOT DUDE  
I TOTALLY DO

 **Me**  
IT WAS PLAYFUL TEASING, PLAYFUL  
it's not my fault you fail at understanding basic human interaction

 **Creep**  
u keep on telling urself that  
I guess u playfully noticed my abs  
n my tan and were all  
playfully happy when I said  
I thought u hot  
(I still think u hot)

 **Me**  
so I was being bit flirty, so what, I'm French, it's how we function  
we understand beauty at a deeper level that goes beyond gender  
and I was flattered by compliments everybody is flattered by compliments  
even ones from creepers  
I am not gay ok I'm like 75% straight

 **Creep**  
rlly  
rlly rlly rlly  
that's ur story  
that's what u tell urself  
before falling asleep at nite  
'its k to flirt w/ Eren  
cause I french so not gay'  
because I'd like to point out  
French gay and bi ppl do exist  
I mean Rimbaud is one at least  
and also I'd like to point out  
that was a 99% before

 **Me**  
look, you don't understand the fundamental thing here  
maybe the exact quantity of gay I feel in myself changes according to the moment  
and maybe I might be a bit too flirt-happy even for a French person  
the point is I don't like YOU, you jerkoff  
since you quoted I quote back, 'learn to take no as an answer dickbag'  
(you like poetry?)

 **Creep**  
oh k  
I'll stop txt then  
(y Imma sensitive soul)

 **Me**  
yes thank Jesus you go do that  
(AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOL)

 **Creep**  
(u so mean D:)  
so I stop txt  
cause u mean and in denial  
but keep in mind  
if u txt me ONCE that means I have a shot  
and I'm gonna aim high

 **Me**  
what the fuck is that even supposed to mean

 **Creep**  
gonna aim for dick pics B)

 **Me**  
DISAPPEAR FROM MY LIFE  
fuck I'll have to find a priest willing to exorcise my phone

 

 

 **Me**  
is this a trap

 **Creep**  
HI JEAN  
DICK PICS PLS B)

 **Me**  
THIS IS NOT AN ADMISSION OF LOSS YOU FUCK  
YOU ARE A FUCKING TRAP I KNOW THAT NOW IT'S A TRAP IT'S A TRAP

 **Creep**  
wat

 **Me**  
look, there's no way a guy this hot is into me, alright? and Mikasa's brother, of course  
everybody knows I've got a crush on Mikasa so what a coincidence!

 **Creep**  
I sent pics

 **Me**  
generic underwear pics, they might be not hard to find if this Eren is a sporty guy  
and has a tendency to show off (which I would have if I had those abs)

 **Creep**  
ur abs are fine???

 **Me**  
SHUT UP DON'T COMPLIMENT ME I'M ONTO YOU  
you're either Sasha or Connie or both and you're using pics of this Eren guy to lure me  
so I'll flirt back and forth until I send some terrible pic of me that I can't justify  
and then you'll post THOSE

 **Creep**  
U WATCH CATFISH TOO MANY TIMES  
U HAVE PROBLEMS  
GIVE U MY THERAPIST'S NUMBER

 **Me**  
OMG THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING ISN'T IT  
ANSWER ME  
I'M CALLING THE POLICE

 **Creep**  
U NEED A CHILL PILL  
STAY RIGHT THERE I'M SENDING CONNIE  
WITH THE WEED  
so u kno consash too weird

 **Me**  
THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING  
THE OSCILLATING HORRIBLE GRAMMAR  
THE FACT THAT YOU NATURALLY DECIDED TO TELL ME YOU FAPPED TO MY PICS  
ASKING FOR DICK PICS WITH A SUNGLASSES EMOTICON  
A PERSON LIKE THIS CAN'T EXIST OUTSIDE OF SASHA AND CONNIE'S SICK LITTLE MINDS

 **Creep**  
GIMME A FUCKING SEC  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
WTF  
is that chocolate?

 **Creep**  
nutella  
the one thing I had that would wash  
not going to use a sharpie  
and risk going to the gym  
w/ JEAN IS A DICK written on me

 **Me**  
lol lol lol  
you have awful handwriting

 **Creep**  
U TRY WRITING ON URSELF W/ NUTELLA  
asshole

 **Me**  
lol  
I can't believe you did that

 **Creep**  
I kinda don't believe it either

 **Me**  
it's kind of sweet, you know

 **Creep**  
sure it is it's nutella

 **Me**  
lol  
do you often cover yourself in insults written in nut spread to attract partners  
like is it a Turkish wooing ritual or am I special

 **Creep**  
Eren w/ nutella is very  
a french dbag special  
so is THIS an admission of loss or

 **Me**  
yeah, well, I like to consider myself man enough to admit when I lose  
and I lost. I fucking lost it completely, lol 

**Creep**  
u could say that lol

 **Me**  
ok, full disclosure  
I'm sorry for being a dick at you, it's just  
I don't flirt with men, like even if there's some attraction I never act on it  
I never do shit like flirting via text either  
I'm also kind of weirded out that I'm flirting with the creep who fapped to  
underwear selfies I sent by mistake  
who just so happens to be this scorchingly hot guy way above my league????  
I mean how the hell did it happen like you why how when  
what are you

 **Creep**  
lol  
do u rlly think I'm too hot for u

 **Me**  
kind of? I mean, I'm hot, I know I am, I don't underrate myself, but you are  
well you're fucking wow. I tend to go for wow people and get ignored  
so for the opposite to happen is kind of, well, it's hard to believe

 **Creep**  
I'm fucking wow

 **Me**  
you're fucking wow  
that sure was a straight thing to say too, lol  
see I'm usually not one for denial, I'm a honest guy, I say what I want to say  
but you make me so damn confused, Eren

 **Creep**  
I dun care if it's gay or straight  
nobody ever called me 'wow'  
I like being called 'wow'  
but u need to figure out some stuff dude  
do some soulsearching  
ur lucky I can totes help

 **Me**  
you really would help me figure out how straight I am????? wow what a good person  
thank you for your kind offer though I can't help but feel a hint of self-interest in it

 **Creep**  
lol  
you wound me I would never  
sorry I gtg now but I trust  
my pics can be guidance  
until I come back  
then I'll guide u step by step  
specially if you send pics too  
dick pics are specially welcome

 **Me**  
yeah you're so selfless  
bye Eren

 

 

 **Creep**  
so bout those dick pics B)

 **Me**  
what about them

 **Creep**  
one thing clear  
don't cheat n angle pic from bottom  
to make urself look bigger  
big dicks are overrated imo anyway  
if ur insecure cuz u got tiny 1 dw

 **Me**  
what about NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
I'm getting a law degree fucker I know what a trap looks like

 **Creep**  
lol u smart  
what if I send 1st????

 **Me**  
more for the restraining order case binder  
I bet I could get a nice moral damage settlement too

 **Creep**  
lol  
I bet u have the sexiest accent

 **Me**  
yeah change the topic asshole

 **Creep**  
it was a hint u idiot  
I have sexy rough voice u kno

 **Me**  
I don't believe you, I bet you sound like porky pig

 **Creep**  
call me u dumbass

 **Me**  
I SENT THE NEKKID PICS YOU CALL ME

 **Creep**  
I NEKKID BACK

 **Me**  
I DIDN'T ASK FOR THEM ALSO THEY WERE MARKEDLY INFERIOR IN QUALITY???

 **Creep**  
SORRY I DON'T THROW MY MONEY  
AT BULLSHIT TECH I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING USE  
MINE HAD NUTELLA  
NUTELLA IS AUTOMATIC WIN

 **Me**  
STILL NOT CALLING  
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR HEAVY BREATHING

 **Creep**  
COWARDLY FRENCH SCUM

 **Me**  
BOSSY TURKISH ASSHOLE

 **Creep**  
FINE DON'T CALL ME SEE IF I CARE  
I was kidding totlly call me  
I care way too much  
FUCK I HATE U YOU'RE THE WORST

_Incoming call: Creep..._  
 _Call lost._

**Creep**  
didD YOU FCK  
WHY ARE U NO ANSWERING  
DON'T IGNORE ME  
FUCK YOU  
JEAN U FUCKING ASSHOLE I HATE U  
TALK TO ME U PRICK  
NO DON'T I'M NOT TALKIN TO U  
CUZ U A DBAG  
I WAS TLLY RITE U A DBAG

 **Me**  
I was under the shower dumbass

 **Creep**  
oh  
shower for 30 mins?

 **Me**  
yeah 'oh'. I read your messages you know  
my hair is thin it needs extra care  
why do you care anyway who are you the water company 

**Creep**  
I have anger problems  
lol sure ur hair  
were u thinking of me

 **Me**  
I noticed  
why would I think of you while I wash my hair???

 **Creep**  
I'm in therapy  
lol innocent Jean 

**Me**  
I'm not innocent I've just elected to ignore your bullshit  
good on you for the therapy  
do they have something to manage your impossible thirst for my ass too  
like some meds

 **Creep**  
you a fuck

 **Me**  
and you're so thirsty for me

 **Creep**  
fuck you

 **Me**  
so so thirsty you can't even function come on say it  
it's amazing I can feel your thirst via text messages  
there was a glass of water here but it's now empty??? wow it must be your thirst  
like I was just out of the shower and I'm now all dry amazing

 **Creep**  
FUCK YOU  
...  
tho the idea of licking water off u  
just after shower is mmmmmm  
k maybe I am lil thirsty for u

 **Me**  
wait really

 **Creep**  
hottie French dbag  
mmmh so thristy  
wanna drink champagne off ur body  
or whatevs it is that classy french ppl do  
lol

 **Me**  
fuck you I wasn't expecting you to admit it idk how to react to that at all  
you're more the Jägermeister type it's even in your name

 **Creep**  
lol  
u terrible at takin compliments  
JäGERMEISTER BODY SHOTS UR A GENIOUS

 **Me**  
I am I don't get them often  
that sure sounds like a fun evening lol

 **Creep**  
can't believe  
u don't get compliments I mean

 **Me**  
no it's true people where I come from are terrible they mostly call me a dick  
or a horseface last person who told me I was good-looking was my mum

 **Creep**  
lol  
u are bit of a dick  
u have bit horseface too  
also loser lol

 **Me**  
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

 **Creep**  
but u still hottie

 **Me**  
AND NOW YOU COMPLIMENT ME I JUST  
WHY ARE YOU SO CONFUSING WHY

 **Creep**  
lol  
thirsty for u like mad  
would do u rn if u were here  
try out jaeger body shots  
and champagne body shots  
and then I'd show u why mum says  
to not mix ur alcoholics

 **Me**  
NO STOP IT RIGHT THERE DO NOT GO FURTHER YOU SHALL NOT PASS

 **Creep**  
lol LOTR nerd  
do u have dick like horse too?

 **Me**  
FUCK YOU  
KEEP THIS UP AND YOU'LL NEVER FIND OUT

 **Creep**  
WAIT U MEAN  
IF I STOP I WILL FIND OUT????  
:DDDDDDD

 **Me**  
NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN WHAT WHY

 **Creep**  
I KNEW IT  
ONE DAY  
ONE GLORIOUS DAY  
I'LL HAVE MY JEAN DICK PICS B)

 **Me**  
FUCK YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME FOREVER I HATE YOU HATE HATE

 **Creep**  
lol  
u so fun I knew u were fun  
ur friends stupid tho  
ur a hottie and fun  
Jean?  
are u taking nother shower  
the chat got u worked up  
u should send pics  
...  
did I piss u off for real  
I'm sorry I ddn't want to?  
come on forgive me

 **Me**  
SORRY I was busy a moment, I told you I'm busy  
sometimes I'll take a while to answer  
but no you didn't piss me off, if you really piss me off I'll let you know, lol  
you really do like me, wow, I feel so flattered  
though your constant demand for naked selfies kind of ruins the effect  
I've got to go for real now though  
later this afternoon I'll be free though

 **Creep**  
k I'm relieved :D  
I was scared there for a moment  
can I phone later  
I rlly wanna hear ur voice

 **Me**  
...it's better if you don't I'll explain later ok  
I really have to go now Eren though like really really

 **Creep**  
k :D

 

 **Me**  
Eren do you have a minute?

 **Creep**  
y  
problem?

 **Me**  
not a big one but I need to serious talk a moment can I?

 **Creep**  
sure

 **Me**  
I don't know if I'm ready to chat on phone atm so please stop asking for that

 **Creep**  
you need to be ready?

 **Me**  
Well I'm still a bit uncomfortable I'm a sensitive soul too what can I do

I mean I even like poetry

 **Creep**  
lol  
but k I respect that  
if you want to stop txt I can  
if you want to erase the pics too  
serious talk

 **Me**  
meh we're even now isn't it  
plus I kind of don't mind that you have them now, I did before but not now

 **Creep**  
what changed

 **Me**  
nothing I just changed my mind

 **Creep**  
dude you zero'd on my abs  
and declared ur love for brunets  
and called me wow  
changed my mind my tan butt  
you're so shallow

 **Me**  
HEY GO FUCK A COCK  
A ROOSTER YOU'D LIKE THE OTHER KIND

 **Creep**  
y I probs would  
but that doesn't change the fact  
that before you thought I was creep  
and now you saw my pics  
and now you wanna chat

 **Me**  
WHY DO YOU GOTTA BE SUCH A COCK I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW  
it wasn't the selfies alright. like ok it was the selfies a little bit but not all of them  
like even if you're hot I would've probably gotten bored by now but

 **Creep**  
???

 **Me**  
the nutella selfie you dork. I said it already it was kind of sweet  
like it's not like I'm swooning or  
alright I'm totally swooning I'm such a fucking sucker for that kind of stuff

 **Creep**  
!!!  
you're cute

 **Me**  
I'm not cute I'm a man

 **Creep**  
you're a cute man

 **Me**  
shit I knew I shouldn't have told you that

 **Creep**  
then why did you do it

 **Me**  
because it's the truth and I'm honest and I didn't want you to think I'm shallow ok  
most people think I am just because I like to live a cushy life  
and I don't pass my day agonizing over global warming or AIDS or some other shit

 **Creep**  
that is kinda shallow tho

 **Me**  
wow prick

 **Creep**  
duds I call 'em like I see 'em

 **Me**  
and so do I, prick

 **Creep**  
hey fuck u  
u r shallow and vain  
u talk to me only cause I'm hot  
and I tell u you're pretty  
and I do stupid shit for u

 **Me**  
yeah so you talk to me because you find me ugly instead right  
go fuck yourself you and the horse you rode in you self-righteous prick

 **Creep**  
U SENT SELFIES  
COURSE I JUDGE U ON LOOKS  
ON WHAT ELSE CAN I JUDGE U  
UR SPARKLY PERSONALITY  
UR BASICALLY AN ASSHOLE

 **Me**  
WHY IS THIS CONVERSATION SUDDENLY ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A DICK I AM  
YOU WERE SAYING I WAS CUTE UNTIL ABOUT FIVE SECONDS AGO  
ALSO GUESS WHO ELSE SENT SELFIES OH RIGHT 

**Creep**  
IF I DIDN'T U STOPPED CHATTING

 **Me**  
IT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER IF I DID but you're hot and flatter me  
and I am weak  
but I'm honest too  
I told you I was a dick since day one if you can't handle it stop texting

 **Creep**  
NO FUCK U  
U DON'T GET TO DECIDE

 **Me**  
that's not what I was saying you PRICK  
I'm saying, I get on your nerves, you stop texting  
simple as that

 **Creep**  
I KNOW  
I was just  
tryin to find something to say  
I don't wanna stop 

**Me**  
why would you waste your time chatting with a shallow asshole?

 **Creep**  
but I wanna 

**Me**  
well I'm not wasting my time chatting with a self-righteous prick who judges me  
I might be weak but I have some pride

 **Creep**  
Jean?  
are u busy again?  
Jean are you angry  
oh fuck you're angry aren't u  
Jean pls  
...  
ur rlly that angry?  
I'm sorry if I pissed u off  
but I rlly dk what I did wrong?  
u gotta explain  
but I'm sorry :(  
u now what I'll just wait  
for u to txt me back  
...  
come on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been a bit unfair to this fic maybe, it's not like, deep and meaningful but it's sure fun. It's incredibly addictive to write, that's why it has such a high wordcount - once I get in the mood for writing it I can't stop. It's also incredibly difficult to restart writing normally after getting into Eren's LOL U HOT SEXT :DDDDD????? writing. Like I catch myself using chatspeak in canon setting fics and that's. No. That's an abomination unto God.
> 
> I'm still having a hard time to believe that THIS is my first chaptered fic for this fandom, tho.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uuuh I don't ever know how to do warnings but warning for really really minor mentions of cannibalism? Like it's really minor. Like if I don't point it out you probably won't even notice. But better safe than sorry.
> 
> This chapter is a little bit all over the place, but I wanted to move things on. Also, finally the characters that are mentioned in the tags (Armin and Marco) actually appear, I hope it isn't too difficult to follow but do let me know if it is. 
> 
> It's kind of a little bit too filled with FEELINGS but I am so mushy I'm sorry.
> 
> Also remember what I said about headcanons? Yeah.
> 
> I use the word 'nerd' to stand for a word that isn't exactly 'nerd' because of complex cultural European vs. American motivations regarding the different consideration for intellectuals. Just putting this note here to make it look like I know what the fuck I'm doing.

**Me**  
Eren, Jean here  
you can not answer if you want?  
but it would be nice to know

 **Creep**  
!!!  
JEAN!  
I answer

 **Me**  
did you erase my pics already?

 **Creep**  
...

 **Me**  
Alright it doesn't matter but please do it asap and then I'll erase yours  
Since we're talking, can I ask you something else?

 **Creep**  
y course :D

 **Me**  
do you really think I'm shallow?

 **Creep**  
eeeh kinda?

 **Me**  
k sorry for bothering you  
it won't happen again

 **Creep**  
but I think u cute too  
Jean?  
I said I think you're cute too

 **Me**  
yeah and I didn't answer 

**Creep**  
why

 **Me**  
because we aren't talking

 **Creep**  
I never stop  
u stop

 **Me**  
yeah exactly 

**Creep**  
oh

  


  


  


**Creep**  
JEAN PLEASE

 **Me**  
WHAT

 **Creep**  
don't care if you're shallow  
I'll be intense for both of us  
am intense for like four people anyway  
we barely know each other but  
think I could start to really like you with time

 **Me**  
EREN WHAT  
WTF  
IS THAT EVEN YOU THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SPELLING MISTAKE?????  
YOU CAN'T SAY SHIT LIKE THAT AND THEN DISAPPEAR EREN

  


  


  


**Me**  
WTF IS GOING ON WITH YOUR FRIEND

 **Coconut He-Man**  
What friend? I have various.

 **Me**  
sure you do nerd lol  
no, alright, sorry. I'm nervous you know I become even more of a dick when I'm nervous  
I mean THE friend, you know, your bff Eren

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Why, is something in particular going on with him?  
I thought you two didn't even meet, besides becoming friends on Facebook.  
Wait. Are YOU the 'hottie' he's been texting?

 **Me**  
...maybe

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Oh my God, Jean, I was going CRAZY trying to figure it out!  
Then, you know what's going on with Eren better than me, probably.  
I just know that he's arguing with the 'hottie' lately and he's a bit upset

 **Me**  
I'm a bit worried  
I hadn't heard from in a while and then out of the blue  
tonight he sent some weird texts and then radio silence

 **Coconut He-Man**  
He was probably drunk texting you.

 **Me**  
I don't know, the texts had honest emotional insight and no spelling mistakes

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Yeah, he was definitely drunk texting you.  
Jean, since we're talking about this...  
I don't know exactly what's going on between you two, and I don't want to pry, but...  
Why did you argue?

 **Me**  
nothing important

 **Coconut He-Man**  
If it's nothing important, can't it be fixed?

 **Me**  
it's complicated

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Of course.  
Eren tends to come on too strong, so you probably have your good reasons.

 **Me**  
he isn't going to do anything stupid is he

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Don't worry, I unleashed Mikasa. She's probably tucking him into bed as we speak.

 **Me**  
lol he's lucky

 **Coconut He-Man**  
...depends on your definition of lucky.  
I for one am sure he'd rather his 'hottie' tucked him into bed.

 **Me**  
NOT YOU TOO WITH THE INNUENDOS DAMMIT

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Sorry, I can't resist!  
You're so easy to fluster, Jean, it's too fun.

 **Me**  
no I'm not y'all are just conspiring against me to make me look like a dork  
you people are the Illuminati of dorkery and Eren is your Grand Master

 **Coconut He-Man**  
I am pretty sure the ones with Grand Masters are the Freemasons.

 **Me**  
WOW NERD ALERT alright, sorry again

 **Coconut He-Man**  
You should know by now I don't get angry at those jokes when they come from YOU.  
Since you're arguably a bigger nerd than me.

 **Me**  
wow, this kitten has CLAWS! growl!

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Why are we friends, again?

 **Me**  
oh shut up what's between us is real love and you know it

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Ain't that the truth.

 **Me**  
of course  
going back to Eren for a moment, is he really THAT upset? 

**Coconut He-Man**  
Yes, he is. When he's interested in somebody he really gets invested in them.

 **Me**  
sigh

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Jean, really, what is going on?

 **Me**  
can I be completely honest without fear that you'll go tell everything to Eren

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Of course.

 **Me**  
here's the thing  
I like Eren, of course I do, and if it was possible to keep things light-hearted  
I'd keep on fooling with him happily but it's increasingly clear it isn't  
so it's better if I just call it off now

 **Coconut He-Man**  
That's your prerogative and also rather rational, I won't disapprove.

 **Me**  
but????

 **Coconut He-Man**  
You tell me.

 **Me**  
sigh

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Look, doing my duty as a common friend and nothing more here, alright?  
Eren is a good person, so if you tell him to scram he'll scram.  
But be explicit and firm, he's not very good with subtlety.

 **Me**  
YOU DON'T SAY

 **Coconut He-Man**  
And DO NOT play. Seriously. Serious intentions or nothing.  
I'm saying this for both of you. He's a ball of issues.

 **Me**  
yeah I kinda figured that about the issues. I should probably back off, in fact.

 **Coconut He-Man**  
...but.

 **Me**  
yeah. but.  
sigh.  
dammit. does he really call me hottie?

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Actually he calls you THE hottie.  
Now I'm tempted to change your contact to 'hottie' 

**Me**  
why not just hottie without scare quotes, I am def a hottie without doubt

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Because I know for a fact my name in your contact list is something silly  
involving exotic fruits and the power of Greyskull, so shut up.  
You're lucky I'm answering at all.

 **Me**  
no what are you talking about I have no idea

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Yeah. Goodnight, Jean.

 **Me**  
it's not even midnight nerd

 **Coconut He-Man**  
GOODNIGHT, JEAN.

 **Me**  
gosh you're even nerdier than Marco I cannot believe  
yeah, goodnight  
and thank you you're a friend you know  
Eren is lucky to have you around

 **Coconut He-Man**  
Thank you.

  


  


  


**Me**  
so let's say I have this friend

 **The Bodt**  
mmmh is he the usual friend?  
the one that we can talk about only through texts because in person it would be embarrassing?  
so you go to the kitchen with an excuse and text me from there while I am in our room?  
THAT friend?

 **Me**  
yeah, you know, that dork  
btw I'm making crepes do you and Mina want a couple?

 **The Bodt**  
yeah sure  
what did THAT friend do this time?

 **Me**  
accidentally sent half naked selfies to a stranger

**The Bodt**  
YOU ACCIDENTALLY SENT NAKED SELFIES TO A STRANGER?????????????

**Me**  
OH COME ON COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST TRY  
I CAN HEAR YOU AND MINA SPAZZING FROM HERE  
I CAN TELL WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT EVEN IF YOU TALK IN ITALIAN DUMBS  
AND THEY WEREN'T LIKE SEXTING NEKKID SELFIES I HAD UNDERWEAR ON  
Imean he did my friend had underwear on they were really chaste selfies he showed me

**The Bodt**  
I'M SORRY MAN BUT BLUHHHH??????????????????  
YOU(R FRIEND) SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
WHAT IF IT WAS A SERIAL KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
I'VE SEEN THIS SHOW THE OTHER DAY DO YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S THIS GERMAN GUY  
WHO ATE ANOTHER GERMAN GUY AND WE'RE IN GERMANY RIGHT NOW  
I MEAN GERMANS ARE USUALLY NICE BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR PORN  
OMG JEAN

**Me**  
ok a) from now on your tv time is strictly monitored AND so is your internet like  
I'm putting childblock and net nanny everything and the only thing you're allowed to watch  
on Sky is the Champions League  
b) a serial killer might have been a better choice

**The Bodt**  
why? 

**Me**  
k so my friend started chatting with this stranger like, they got to know each other  
and before you even start he made sure he was who he said he was  
like 100% sure he has photographic proof  
and this guy turns out to be hot and also kind of sweet when he's not being a massive jerk

**The Bodt**  
alright! good! they should meet and have babies!

**Me**  
omg what's up with you and babies lately make some with Mina if you really want them  
plus it would be difficult, haven't you noticed I've been talking about the stranger as a he?  
and my friend is a he too so

**The Bodt**  
nah Mina says she needs to finish school first  
but I thought you figured you were straight? I mean your friend

**Me**  
I'm beginning to think my friend is first-come-first-served-sexual  
like whoever shows an interest my friend is like 'k yeah let's do this  
it's kind of sad really

**The Bodt**  
No! Your friend is just open-minded! That's a good thing!  
But your friend should have a little more self-esteem and not let people pressure him into things!  
if he doesn't like this guy that way he can just talk to him without it turning into a sex thing?

**Me**  
No, no, it's def turning into a sex thing like def def like it's really hard to not turn it into a sex thing  
because this guy keeps on hitting on him in this dork stupid way that my friend finds charming  
(my friend has prob something wrong with him tbh)  
and physically he's hot as hell like  
but wait you know him IIRC he's Eren

**The Bodt**  
EREN JAEGER????????????????????????????  
BLUH?????????????????????????????????  
SO HE REALLY IS THE ONE YOU WERE BEING ALL WEIRD ON THE PHONE WITH?????  
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
ARMIN WAS WONDERING HOW THE HECK DID YOU TWO CONNECT  
I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE TOLD ME BUT NOW  
BUT ACCIDENTAL SEXTING OMG JEAN  
You weren't trying to send the selfies to Mikasa, right? 

**Me**  
MY FRIEND MY FRIEND DID THE THING  
of course no I have more class than that it was really an accident  
SAYS MY FRIEND 

**The Bodt**  
oh sorry!  
So, what it is that your friend needs to know? 

**Me**  
sigh  
So basically Eren said some bullshit stuff. If you know him you probs know what I mean 

**The Bodt**  
He can be a bit judgemental and self-righteous. They argued? 

**Me**  
A BIT MEANS ONLY SLIGHTLY MARCO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME EREN  
yeah, they haven't been talking lately but now my friend sorts of wants to patch things up  
but he doesn't know if it's a good idea? 

**The Bodt**  
Well, first thing first, Eren shouldn't get the idea it's okay to insult your friend!  
So your friend should stand his ground on this!  
But if your friend feels like Eren understood then he should go for it!  
Making peace is always good! 

**Me**  
yeah mr. happy rainbow unicorns but here's the thing 

**The Bodt**  
there's always a thing 

**Me**  
yeah fucking thing  
like. my friend is also friends with Sasha and Connie and they basically insult him  
as a casual form of address and he's also friends with Armin who mostly treats him  
as an idiot and all of that doesn't matter. It doesn't sting at all.  
But this asshole who he has known for like a week tosses a couple insults my way and  
suddenly I am a mess. All reconsidering stuff and feeling sad about my life and stuff. 

**The Bodt**  
This is why you asked me if you thought law was the right choice for you the other day?

**Me**  
...yeah. I hadn't even realized but yeah that's how much it affected me  
and I think part of it is that Eren was being so sweet before so it sorta came out of left field  
but another part is that I care about his opinion of me. like. way too much  
I haven't even met him IRL!  
And I think, if I feel like this over a minor spat after a week of texting, how will I feel  
you know...when it becomes something real?

**The Bodt**  
Well, first thing first, there's less of a risk of him casually saying hurtful things the more  
you get to know each other.  
Second, I know you, you wouldn't have been so affected if he didn't hit a target, isn't it?  
It's not the first time you have doubts, it's just the first time you're considering them  
and not just dismiss them and that's a good thing, and if it was because Eren shocked your system  
then it's not all bad he did, even if he could've avoided being insulting.  
And third, if you refuse to even try because you're afraid of getting hurt, then  
you'll never be in a relationship at all.

**Me**  
on point with the doubts thing wow  
yeah brilliant I love this I will never be in a relationship that sounds amazing  
I will just buy a dog!

**The Bodt**  
NO! ALL THE DOGS IN THE WORLD CANNOT SUBSTITUTE LOVE!

**Me**  
WHAT ABOUT KITTENS???????????

**The Bodt**  
I refuse to dignify that with an answer.  
Jean, if you like a person, you should go for them!  
What's the worst that could happen?

**Me**  
UHM WHAT ABOUT HIM STOMPING ALL OVER ME???

**The Bodt**  
UHM WHAT ABOUT YOU LEARNING TO OVERCOME YOUR DIFFERENCES  
AND EVERYTHING GOING WELL AND HAPPINESS????

**Me**  
I AM ME HAPPINESS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE

**The Bodt**  
WITH THAT ATTITUDE? FOR SURE

**Me**  
NO FUCK YOU  
YOUR FUCKING CREPES ARE READY YOU FUCKING BALL OF RAINBOWS  
do you want nutella or jam

**The Bodt**  
is the jam strawberry if so one of each type thank you  
Mina says same and also GO FOR HIM JEAN

**Me**  
SHUT UP MINA

  


  


  


**Armin**  
Are you alive?

 **Me**  
gfrgfgbgh  
hngovrrrrr  
hate

 **Armin**  
Then don't drink.

 **Me**  
u gonna preach  
'm not listen

 **Armin**  
I'm not, actually.  
I texted with Jean yesterday night. You drunk texted him.

 **Me**  
SHIT WAT  
WAT DID I SAY  
SHIT

 **Armin**  
You should've told me he was the 'hottie'.  
I don't know, you should ask him.

 **Me**  
still not talking tho  
think he wants me to leave him alone  
forever, I mean

 **Armin**  
...alright, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but...  
Give it a little time maybe, but...don't give up.

 **Me**  
WAT  
WHAT DID HE TELL U

 **Armin**  
I've told you too much already.  
Just...don't be too pushy, alright? He's the nervous type.

 **Me**  
Alright Arm u always have best plans  
I'll be gentle  
say u know him well rite  
u'll be my inside man

 **Armin**  
Don't involve me in your things! I've already been too nosy.

 **Me**  
but w/out u I don't have chance

 **Armin**  
I wouldn't be so sure about that.  
But remember, don't be too pushy.

 **Me**  
I'll try  
but we both know  
I'm gonna lose my patience  
sooner or later  
but thank u!  
Arm u the best  
<3<3<3xxxxxxxx

 **Armin**  
Thank you, Eren. Now take some aspirin and lay down a little, alright?

 **Me**  
aight bu u SMOOCHES BACCCCCKKKKKK  
it looks stupid if u don't smooch back Arm  
do I have to tell u everythin

 **Armin**  
Sigh. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 **Me**  
aww yss Arm smooches best  
goodnight 

**Armin**  
See you later, Eren.

  


  


  


**Creep**  
did I drunk txt u last nite

 **Me**  
you type better drunk than you do sober

 **Creep**  
not the first to point this out  
Jean  
do u still think I'm a prick

 **Me**  
yes

 **Creep**  
k  
we still no talking

 **Me**  
yes

 **Creep**  
k  
...  
I rlly meant what I wrote tho  
even if it was drunktxt

 **Me**  
I figured, but it's a bit complicated, Eren

 **Creep**  
k

  


  


  


**Creep**  
u now wat  
eren patience = over

**Me**  
WHY do you keep on texting me  
YOU THINK I'M SHALLOW

**Creep**  
AND U THINK I'M A PRICK  
BUTT U ANSWER MY TXTS  
N U DIDN'T ERASE MY PICS

**Me**  
HOW DO YOU KNOW I DIDN'T

**Creep**  
did you?  
you didn't did u?  
aha I knew it  
I didn't erase urs

**Me**  
GODDAMMIT EREN WHY DO YOU KEEP ON TEXTING ME YOU DON'T LIKE ME

**Creep**  
I SAID I DON'T LIKE 1 THING ABOUT U  
1 THING  
IN A SEA OF 'U HOT FUN CUTE'  
DAMN U TOUCHY

**Me**  
IT'S A PRETTY MASSIVE THING THOUGH  
I wouldn't want to talk with a shallow dick???

**Creep**  
BUT I DO

**Me**  
ok Eren look  
if you're doing this just because you want to keep my pics  
you have my permission, fap to your heart's content  
but I know how this will end if we keep on texting so I'd rather just stop

**Creep**  
how

**Me**  
we are not talking

**Creep**  
but u know the future  
share that ability w/ me  
use ur gift for greater good

**Me**  
sigh  
it's not like I hate you so if we meet as friends or something it's ok  
but I know myself very well  
if we keep on talking like this I'll make up shit in my head and  
I'm really fucking tired of hurting myself by going after people like you

**Creep**  
ppl like me like what

**Me**  
somebody who's obviously out of my league and knows it

**Creep**  
WHY do u think I'm outta ur league  
I don't think I'm??? at all???  
I'm fuckin terrible  
u r ttlly rite when u say I'm a selfrighteous prick  
I have anger problems too  
I have bad history been in lotsa trouble  
tho it's in the past  
I still be a dbag sometimes

**Me**  
is that supposed to make me want to talk to you or

**Creep**  
lol  
see that's what I mean :D!  
I rlly think we fit together well  
because we both dicks :D  
\+ you're fun n always answer fun  
and always honest too  
and I just like u I don't need reason  
and just forgive me already k  
I miss u k  
u can insult me as much as u want  
I rather trade insults w/ you  
than compliments w/ most ppl anyway  
...  
Jean?  
u there?

**Me**  
I cannot believe I CANNOT BELIEVE

**Creep**  
so we k now lol

**Me**  
I HATE YOU

**Creep**  
so d u wanna sext now or

**Me**  
HOW DID IT WORK WHY HOW I HATE YOU HATE HATE HATE  
HATE LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE WE BEGAN TO TEXT

**Creep**  
QUOTING ELLISON AT ME  
WETTING MYSELF  
FUCKER  
LET'S HATESEXT 

**Me**  
NO FUCK YOU I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN NEVER EVER  
how do you even know who Harlan Ellison is

**Creep**  
he's famous?????  
this some sort of hipster tng idk  
I like sf and horror 

**Me**  
I like horror he says. what kind of horror

**Creep**  
gore corpses  
but also atmosphere stuff  
I like being scared  
all scary things  
I also like old scary movies  
n dumb horror B series movies  
there's a cinema in town  
that does retrospectives on those  
I never miss those

**Me**  
good tastes  
booo :ghost:

**Creep**  
AAAAAAH  
ps r we txt agin now

**Me**  
y we r txt agin how can you possibly type so bad sober and so well drunk  
or spell 'retrospectives' correct and 'again' wrong  
what are you

**Creep**  
lazy + I turn on T9 if I'm drunk  
n turn off when sober

**Me**  
but for the love of God why

**Creep**  
I unno I feel my txts  
have more charm like this  
plus T9 terrible for sexting

**Me**  
if by charme you mean they make me want to strangle you you're right  
I swear to fucking God you're the most annoying  
the way you do text breaks makes everything you say sound like some weird love poem  
written by a barely literate dick

**Creep**  
roses r red  
violets r violet  
not blue  
Jean my heart and  
my dick are urs  
even if u  
are sorta shallow  
and angry sometimes  
because ur also  
cutest and  
have cute eyebrows  
and cute everything  
and I wanna kiss u so bad  
so plz txt me k  
dick pics welcome B)

**Me**  
wow  
wow  
wow  
WOW  
WOW  
THAT IS A NEW ACHIEVEMENT IN FUCKERY THAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE WTH  
WHENEVER I THINK YOU CAN'T SINK ANY LOWER YOU JUST START DIGGING  
WOW

**Creep**  
lol I wub u 2

**Me**  
DIAF

**Creep**  
I gtg now  
I'll txt you later  
you gotta answer  
I'll be pissed if you don't  
write u so much poem

**Me**  
what a terrifying perspective

  


  


  


**Me**  
POETRY

**TheBodt**  
???

**Me**  
EREN. WROTE. ME. POETRY.  
TERRIBLE, GODAWFUL, UNGRAMMATICAL, SIN AGAINST LITERATURE POETRY  
THAT FINISHED ON A REQUEST FOR NAKED PICS  
AND I'M SITTING HERE ALL CHARMED BY THIS GODAWFUL POETRY LIKE I JUST

**TheBodt**  
I'M SORRY BUT YOU ARE FUCKED  
YOU ARE SO FUCKED

**Me**  
I AM SO FUCKED

**TheBodt**  
YOU ARE SO FUCKED

**Me**  
I AM SO FUCKED  
please warm up the leftover pasta for me I'll be back in 5

  


  


  


**Me**  
so I got the hottie to talk to me again

**Armin**  
Good on you!

**Me**  
I wrote him poem

**Armin**  
What?!

**Me**  
LEGIT POEM w/ words  
horrible all misspelled  
didn't even rhyme but  
poetry augh I actually  
he had already forgiven me  
it was just because  
I wrote him poetry  
just because  
...  
I'm so fucked

**Armin**  
...yes, yes you are, Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYBODY'S FUCKED HOORAY
> 
> My excuses for having Jean and Marco talk through texts considering they live together are the flimsiest shit ever, I know, I know.
> 
> Sorry also for Armin's name in Jean's phone. I just want to make Jean out to be the biggest dork possible. Not that it's difficult.
> 
> I headcanon'd Jean being a good cook since day one (and a massive momma's boy) and it turns out with the OVA I'm right so yeah I'm kinda proud of that. I dunno why, he just always struck me as that type.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long as heckie, contains a fairy tale and THE WORST SEXTING EVER. THE WORST. I'm not even kidding. It's too embarrassing to be hot probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some info on German university: 1 is the top vote possible. An exam in Germany can be given in various formats. 'Oral exam' is my translation of 'Mündliche', and it's basically what it is, an oral exam - the prof asks you questions and you answer. A 'Referat' is another type of exam that involves an oral presentation in front of the class followed by a collective debate on the subject.

**Creep**  
JEAAAAAAN

 **Me**  
YEEEEES

 **Creep**  
I am in a predictment  
u should be familiar w/  
so I want ur opinion

 **Me**  
wtf

 **Creep**  
whaddaya say blue  
 _Incoming image file..._  
or red  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
YOU DUCKER DON'T SEND ME PICS OF YOU IN UNDERWEAR WITHOUT A WARNING  
*FUCKER sorry  
WHAT IF I WAS IN A PUBLIC PLACE  
but since you did most definitely red

 **Creep**  
wooops  
u sure bout red  
I kinda like ducker  
we should use ducker  
gtg now will answer later

 **Me**  
well yes red is better on tan skin plus the shape compliments the roundness of your buttocks  
also I think we buy underwear in the same place  
ducker's cute I agree  
see you later BUY THE RED ONES

  


  


  


**Creep**  
I checked all selfies  
ur right it's the same changing room  
in the shop I mean, where we buy undies  
that's weird lol  
they should really put good light what duckers

 **Me**  
yeah it's a bit weird isn't it, never thought I'd be helping another guy pick underwear in it  
plus, think about it  
we live in the same town and know the same people and go the same places and we never met

 **Creep ******  
it's weird tru  
it a pithy

 **Me**  
no, I think it was destiny in the end. If we had met IRL we would've just argued lots  
because I'm shallow and you'd have been a prick about it and we would never  
have gotten beyond that 

**Creep**  
no I disagree  
sure nekkid selfie great icebreaker  
and IRL we would've argued lots at start  
because we both duckers  
but I'm sure that w/ time  
I would find ur inner cute  
and u would find my inner nutella

 **Me**  
dammit Eren sometimes you're such a dick but sometimes  
you're so sweet and I don't know how to react  
I still think you're wrong though

 **Creep**  
we'll never know  
that why you don't wanna meet?

 **Me**  
who said I don't want to meet

 **Creep**  
y one day but I mean like  
in the near future

 **Me**  
yeah, in the near future, for how long do you want to keep texting, ten years?

 **Creep**  
!!!!!!!  
MMMMEEEEETTTT  
we never talk about it  
I assumed  
BUT IF U WANNA MEET LET'S MEET  
I'M HAPPY

 **Me**  
WAIT  
it's like for the phone calls, I need to be ready but I do want to meet soonish  
just NOT, like, IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW if it's alright by you

 **Creep**  
u hot n cold u difficult  
but k I'm happy like that too  
but promise we'll meet soon

 **Me**  
yeah, I promise, okay, you dumbass  
gtg now

 **Creep**  
u mean u ducker

 **Me**  
sorry, you ducker

  


  


  


**Creep**  
Jean? u sleep?

 **Me**  
nah, I wish I was lol, how did you know?  
actually cramming for exam tomorrow, ugh ugh ugh

 **Creep**  
lol I have sixth sense  
hey can u chat I can't sleep  
but if u gotta study

 **Me**  
nah this is just a last minute recap because I'm paranoid, but  
it's a simple oral I ace those with my eyes closed  
now if it was a Referat I'd be worried, I usually end up arguing with the whole class

 **Creep**  
lol u ace at oral oooh  
I'm same way actually  
bout arguing w/ class

 **Me**  
OH SHUT THE FUCK UP  
I can totally see you arguing with the whole class lol  
I bet it would be fun if we shared some  
we would do nothing but yell at each other and ignore the rest of class

 **Creep**  
lol true  
and then when class is over  
I show u I'm ace at oral too :P

 **Me**  
IGNORING BULLSHIT IGNORING IGNORING  
a pause would do me good actually maybe  
why can't you sleep?

 **Creep**  
unno things

 **Me**  
you're such a kid sometimes  
shall I tell you a bedtime story?

 **Creep**  
THAT'S BEST IDEA  
JEAN HAS BEST IDEAS

 **Me**  
wait really

 **Creep**  
Y NOW U GOTTA

 **Me**  
oh God I keep on forgetting you take literally everything I say as either a sexual innuendo  
OR DEAD SERIOUS

 **Creep**  
BEDTIME STORY WITH SEX INNUENDO

 **Me**  
I'll put the story you'll put the innuendo, knowing you

 **Creep**  
lol  
Jean?

 **Me**  
GIMME A SEC damn you pushy  
alright this is one my mama used to tell me  
I dunno if I remember all the details because it was rather long but it was one of my favorites  
because the protagonist was named Jean plus it's just a cool story

 **Creep**  
sittin down proper  
w/ glass of milk

 **Me**  
a-hem, so  
once upon a time in a kingdom far far away there lived a soldier named Jean  
the war he had fought was just over and at the time they didn't have stuff like veteran welfare  
so he just has the clothes on his back and he has been walking for days, now,  
and needs a place to sleep. he sees this house in the deep of the forest and knocks  
and a beautiful maiden opens the door and Jean begs her to give him food and shelter,  
he'll work for it, but she just starts crying and tells him to run. She explains that she's Eulalie  
and her father is the devil himself, who eats people and will eat Jean when he comes back

 **Creep**  
oooh

 **Me**  
Jean sees that she's so sad and asks, why are you even still here if you don't like it,  
and she says that she wants to run away so so badly but she can't stay in the human world  
if she's not married because of I dunno casual sexist fairy tale middle ages magic I guess  
so Jean promises that if she helps, he will marry her and take her away with him

 **Creep**  
romantic!

 **Me**  
well at this point in the story he's prob just too hungry and tired to run somewhere else  
so devil comes back home and says he's going to eat Jean, but Eulalie says  
don't kill him just yet, we'll have him help around the house and if he fails then you eat him.  
so the next day he orders Jean to clean the hot irons in the fireplace with his bare hands  
and Jean is like ugh how am I supposed to do it but Eulalie tells him, promise to marry me  
again and he says yes so Eulalie cleans the hot irons herself with her magic.  
And the devil is disappointed he can't eat Jean so lets him stay another night so he'll have  
another chance. So the next day the devil orders Jean to clean the horse trappings  
which were all complicated and filthy and Jean knows he can't do it but guess what  
he promises to marry Eulalie again and she does it in his stead.

 **Creep**  
Eulalie is cool  
Jean is a loser  
if he doesn't marry her

 **Me**  
he really wants to now! esp because she's also just real cute and sweet  
but at this point the devil's pissed and he's like, tomorrow morning I'm going  
to eat him for sure, no excuse. So that night Eulalie makes two pies and puts them in hers and  
Jean's bed and then packs her stuff and her and Jean escape together.  
But the devil dreams they're escaping so he wakes up and yells for Eulalie and Jean  
but the pies respond in their stead 'I am here, go back to sleep!'  
and the devil is reassured so he goes back to sleep

 **Creep**  
talking pies!  
u should told me  
this story had talking pies

 **Me**  
nah talking pies are better as a surprise. so anyway at a certain point the devil realizes  
that something is off and goes to check and finds the magic pies. So he starts running  
after them and after a while he finds an old woman trying to grab a pear on a tree.  
he asks them if she saw Eulalie and Jean but the old woman is deaf as hell and keeps  
on rambling on about the pear and there are puns in French involved  
so the devil goes 'fuck this' and goes back home  
as soon as he falls asleep again, tho, he dreams that the old woman was actually  
Eulalie in disguise and the pear was Jean transformed with Eulalie's magic to escape him

 **Creep**  
lol

 **Me**  
so he runs after them again and finds an elderly gardener tending to a rose. He asks him,  
but the gardener is deaf as hell and keeps on rambling about the rose. more French puns.  
the devil just goes 'wtf' and goes back home and sleeps and dreams and guess what?  
the gardener was Jean and the rose was Eulalie!

 **Creep**  
if I was the devil  
I'd start being v suspicious  
of the hearing impaired

 **Me**  
so he runs after them again and this time finds a church with a priest but the priest answers  
to his questions only in latin. so the devil doesn't know latin because he's an ignorant fuck  
so he just goes back home again, and of course he finds out that the church was Eulalie  
and Jean was the priest and he's pissed but they're finally out of reach

 **Creep**  
oh finally! does Jean marry Eulalie?

 **Me**  
he wants to but Eulalie tells him there's this last bit of magic they need to overcome  
Jean should not let anybody kiss him until after they're married because otherwise  
he'll forget everything about her. so he promises. so they arrive back to Jean's home village  
and Jean presents Eulalie to his mama and everything's fine. but that night while Jean  
is asleep his mama goes to watch him as he sleeps and she's all 'awww my baby is back!'  
and she goes to kiss him on the forehead and he forgets the whole adventure  
and he forgets he promised Eulalie to marry her and even who Eulalie is!

 **Creep**  
poor mama  
she didn't know  
what she was doing  
she just wanted to kiss her bb

 **Me**  
yep poor mama  
yeah so Eulalie has to run away because Jean can't marry her anymore  
so she goes to live in this secluded castle she magics out of thin air  
and Jean is all set to marry a girl in the village

 **Creep**  
oh no!

 **Me**  
but one night three servants come to ask for shelter at Eulalie's castle  
and she like, plays a ton of pranks on them, so the servants the day after  
tell Jean to invite Eulalie to the engagement party of him with the village girl  
because they figure out something was up with her and Jean? I don't really recall sorry  
but the point is Eulalie bakes two pies for the feast and in the middle of the party  
the pies start to speak and one asks the other if he remembers the whole story  
and the other says no, so pie number one is all come on you don't remember the thing  
with the devil and hot irons and pears and French puns  
and the other pie is all no sorry doesn't ring a bell  
but Jean remembers and realizes he wants to marry Eulalie and not the other girl  
and so they marry and go to live in Eulalie's magical castle happy end.

 **Creep**  
and once more  
the day is saved  
thanks to talking pies

 **Me**  
indeed! so do you feel more sleepy now?

 **Creep**  
actually yes  
it was a cute story!

 **Me**  
yeah, yeah. I gotta go back to study, you sleep, ok?

 **Creep**  
k k  
thank u so much  
for putting up w/ me

 **Me**  
nah, it was fun

 **Creep**  
u can always ask  
if u want a bedtime story

 **Me**  
thank you  
and you can always chat me up even if it's not anything important, k  
I like chatting with you, but it's late now so go to sleep

 **Creep**  
same here  
gonna dream of u  
turning into a talking pie lol

 **Me**  
wow not a wet dream???? no innuendo about sleeping together???? you must be very tired

 **Creep**  
well I kinda wanna eat u up  
cutie pie Jean :P

 **Me**  
aaaah that's more like you  
go to sleep, dork 

**Creep**  
cutie

 **Me**  
bonne nuit

 **Creep**  
FRENCH cutie pie cutie cutie

 **Me**  
GO TO SLEEP OR I PHONE MIKASA

 **Creep**  
WHY SO MEAN D:  
goodnight for real

 **Me**  
goodnight, Eren

  


  


  


**Creep**  
Jean hey how did exam go?

 **Me**  
1, told you I'd ace it

 **Creep**  
wow u good  
I know u good  
Jean so clever

 **Me**  
thanks  
you're the only one of my friends who's congratulating me actually they all had stuff to do  
not like it was an important exam but still

 **Creep**  
I'm here tho  
we gonna party!  
I have big plans

 **Me**  
not sure I wanna know

 **Creep**  
lol u home

 **Me**  
yes in my room  
I know I'll regret saying this but whatever you're plotting bring it on, I'm dying of boredom

 **Creep**  
PERFECT  
I have prize for u  
do you wanna see  
what undies I bought

 **Me**  
you bought the red ones if you have any sense at all

**Creep**  
 _Incoming image file..._

**Me**  
red ones good but did you wash them before wearing them  
...on second thought what is your hand doing there  
this is kind of suspicious????

 **Creep**  
lol innocent Jean cute  
y wash I'm not an animal  
but I wanted to show u  
so I wore them asap  
brand new, still bit tight  
wanna see

 **Me**  
Eren are you going to send me pics of your dick getting hard inside your underwear

 **Creep**  
:DDDDDD  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
YEP THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU

 **Creep**  
D: I stop sorry

 **Me**  
no no no sorry it's me I'm nervous I become even more of a dick when I'm nervous  
but I am not against doing this I mean I kind of

 **Creep**  
....  
u don't need to pic back?

 **Me**  
but if I kind of do want to send a pic back like you know just in case  
in that case would you want to see it or

 **Creep**  
!!!  
u teasin or for real  
Jean u kill me

 **Me**  
I can't believe I'm doing this but see for yourself  
 _Sending image file..._

 **Creep**  
!!!  
W/ JEANS UNBUTTONED LIKE THAT  
U LOOK LIKE MODEL  
Jean w/ jeans lol  
bit unfair u still wearing clothes tho  
and I'm just in undies  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
fuck this is the most fucking embarrassing thing I've ever done  
thank you your compliments make me feel a little better  
(you're kind of hot too like wow)  
give me a sec  
 _Sending image file..._  
is this better 

**Creep**  
OOOOH  
I GAVE JEAN A SEMI  
I'm so proud  
one step closer to dick pic B)

 **Me**  
OH MY GOD I HADN'T REALIZED YOU COULD TELL  
ffff I am so ashamed I'll check if I locked the door again  
you hinting at something or

 **Creep**  
lol u got nothing to be ashamed of  
u so pretty  
cute boxers I like the tiny skulls pattern

 **Me**  
ducker  
thanks I'm glad my underwear impresses you

 **Creep**  
take skulls off y/y?

 **Me**  
I know I sound like a broken record but I'm not ready  
but I can send more pics if you like

 **Creep**  
I am always pro pics  
sorry if slow txting w/ one hand  
see?  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
EREN

 **Creep**  
wat we sexting  
it normal  
u touch urself too

 **Me**  
I I am kinda y

 **Creep**  
Jean touching pics pls  
also butt pics pls

 **Me**  
I thought my butt was flat

 **Creep**  
ur butt is flat but tight  
my kinda butt  
also sm leg  
just pics all of the pics  
u so hot  
here I show u mine  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
Eren damn it I  
do you really definitely want to look at me touching myself thru my boxers  
because that's what in this pic  
 _Sending image file..._  
also bonus butt pic because you asked nicely:  
 _Sending image file..._  
and a shot of my legs as decent as I can  
 _Sending image file..._

 **Creep**  
YEAH DEF  
u look lovely hottie  
cute butt cute legs  
bad angle for ur face tho  
makes u look bit horseface for real

 **Me**  
HORSEFACE???? HORSEFACE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?  
WE'RE SEXTING AND YOU INSULT HOW I LOOK?

 **Creep**  
SRRY THAT WAS ILL-ADVISED  
PLEASE DON'T STOP  
PLEASE I'M BEGGING  
DYING OF THIRST  
I'LL DO WHAT U WANT

 **Me**  
...send more pics I am weak I am ashamed of how weak I am

 **Creep**  
sure bb  
 _Incoming image file..._  
 _Incoming image file..._  
lol I'm happy ur weak  
for a moment there I panic  
I could send w/out undies  
for real even if u aren't ready  
I'm ready as hell

 **Me**  
perv lol  
no it would feel weird to have those on my phone I'm just  
I'm still a bit wary about this whole sexting thing ok

 **Creep**  
I understand  
put more of ur face in pics pls  
I wanna see your horny face  
I'm sure it looks nothing like horse  
 _Incoming image file..._  
here sending pic of my face

 **Me**  
you're suck a dick but damn you're hot  
 _Sending image file..._  
 _Sending image file..._

 **Creep**  
lol wat typo there  
I'd suck ur dick cutie  
yoU BLUSH U DIDN'T TELL ME  
U BLUSH SO MUCH SO CUTE  
such cute eyebrows  
cute nose too  
pretty pretty pretty  
Jean's so pretty  
could eat you up

 **Me**  
OMG I DIDN'T SEE IT this is the most embarrassing thing  
STOP CALLING ME CUTE but you really make me blush I  
I think you have pretty eyes  
I think you have pretty everything but your eyes are like full technicolor wow

 **Creep**  
what a cute thing u just said  
I wanna kiss you

 **Me**  
me too I'm thinking about it so much I can feel my lips tingle  
Eren I'm touching myself looking at your pics and thinking of you this is so crazy

 **Creep**  
do u like it

 **Me**  
I DO I don't know wth but it's hard to text and do the thing at the same time

 **Creep**  
phone?????

 **Me**  
NO I'LL DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT AND THEN WHO WOULD TELL MAMA

 **Creep**  
k k calm lol u cute  
u so shy u act all tough but u so shy  
Jean what would u do  
if I was there?

 **Me**  
I don't know my head is spinning and it's not like  
I've never been with a man have you?

 **Creep**  
have exp w/ men? I do  
but none as cute as you  
do u want me to lead?

 **Me**  
YES PLEASE I'm so useless I'm sorry

 **Creep**  
dw u just shy u cute  
when we met I'm gonna kiss u so much  
trail kisses down ur neck  
ur collarbone ur just hot all over  
can I leave hickeys?

 **Me**  
yeah I don't mind  
I haven't had anybody give me a hickey since high school I kind of want now

 **Creep**  
gonna leave a ton on u then  
u have such pretty white skin

 **Me**  
nah I'm pasty, you're the hot one look at that tan  
look at those muscles I want to sink my fingers in them  
like grab your arms tight while you kiss me 

**Creep**  
Y SEE IT EASY y y hold tight onto me bb  
while I kiss u all over  
u so shy not gonna do weird stuff  
scare u, no, we just gonna grind  
thru our underwear all nice n slow  
can take all nite if we wanna

 **Me**  
YES yes shit Eren yes I like this yes you keep on kissing me and pressing against me  
fuck I feel like I'm melting 

**Creep**  
SHOW ME  
spread those long legs lemme see  
how bad you want it  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
shit Eren this is drving me crazy wtf even your terrible grammar can't stop my boner  
 _Sending image file..._  
fuck you're damn good at this  
 _Sending image file..._  
while me on this end idk what I'm doing I just know I'm going to regret it tomorrow  
 _Sending image file..._

 **Creep**  
u perfect  
don't stop now  
look how hard you got me  
 _Incoming image file..._

 **Me**  
shit you're hot do you really want to fuck me  
 _Sending image file..._

 **Creep**  
Y I REALLY DO WANNA FUCK U  
DO U EVEN SEE THE PICS U SENDING ME  
u have no idea  
how much I wann  
 _Incoming image file..._  
keepin it nice n slow  
but bb u make it so difficult  
so beautiful

 **Me**  
Eren remember when I said I wasn't ready to take off the skulls I might have  
changed my mind maybe a little  
 _Sending image file..._  
whatever I'm sorry this is terrible but I just really want to  
to feel your skin against mine even if it's just pretend  
Eren?  
Eren, you alright?

**Creep**  
 _Incoming image file..._

**Me**  
oh is that have you oh is oh I'm gonna  
shit Eren I

 **Creep**  
sorry bb I so sorry  
Jean?  
Jean u k?

 **Me**  
no don't no need to be sorry it's ok  
I kinda took care of myself too

 **Creep**  
no no no this no good  
next time gonna do it proper  
take it nice n slow  
come together  
sorry I suck I wanted to  
take u thru it make u come

 **Me**  
Eren trust me when I say this is the best sex I've had in months and you're not even  
in the same room as I so all in all you did excellent

 **Creep**  
u so sweet such a sweet cute  
but well u also kind of loser so  
ur opinion not rlly count

 **Me**  
HEY FUCK YOU FASTEST GUN IN THE WEST  
DUCKER  
sigh  
this is a bit anticlimactic  
couldn't we have appreciated the afterglow for like five secs more no

 **Creep**  
m sorry D:  
honest it was v hot for me too  
like for real ur pics so hot  
and u so cute it kills me

 **Me**  
yeah it was nice while it lasted wasn't it

 **Creep**  
I think it fun  
but next time talk more  
AND DICK PICS B)

 **Me**  
yeah, let's talk more next time and take this more seriously  
hey I sent you dick pics! you're the one who came too early to send some back!  
poor B) is the dick pic emoticon for me now lol

 **Creep**  
lol B) shorthand for dick pics from now on  
no it was a panoramic  
I wanna detail lol

 **Me**  
perv

 **Creep**  
tho u have nice dick  
I could see anyway lol  
if u wanna I can send dick pic anyway  
but I'd rather not it looks sad now :(  
Imma grower

 **Me**  
ANIMAL why do I even put up with you and no thank you but no 

**Creep**  
lol Jean lol lol  
u really came thinking of me

 **Me**  
yes  
I am not even sure what we did in my head lol  
I just know you were all over the place

 **Creep**  
<3

 **Me**  
Eren stop with this shit seriously  
can't believe you send me  <3 after low quality sexting pics  
what even are you really  
wait I do a thing

 **Creep**  
what thing

 **Me**  
nothing, just fixed a thing in my contact list  
so you did think of me too? Horseface and all?

 **Creep <3**  
y so much  
u DON'T HAVE HORSEFACE  
it was a bad angle and also  
my blood was all in my dick k  
u look like the hottest hottie  
can I be honest w/ u

 **Me**  
yeah we just jerked each other off at a distance it was enough of a bonding experience lol

 **Creep <3**  
I think of u all the time when I fap  
like lately I think of little else

 **Me**  
wow I don't know what to say to that it's sweet and creepy at the same time  
I'm so flattered and my face is red and you confuse the fuck out of me  
weird nutella boy

 **Creep <3**  
u never thought of me?

 **Me**  
not until now sorry it just never occurred to me to think of weird nutella boy

 **Creep <3**  
u gotta think of me now  
like only me from now k

 **Me**  
wow possessive  
I usually still think of women you know, can I ease you into it and imagine a threesome

 **Creep <3**  
k but think of me more plz  
make sure I'm always there

 **Me**  
don't worry I don't think I'll be able to forget about this for a very long while fuck  
I am kind of astounded I think you're shaking the foundations of my sexuality  
and we haven't even met  
I can't believe I have pics of a guy jerking off for me I am  
I don't even know what I am I'm just blushing so hard you could cook an egg on my face

 **Creep <3**  
good  
u cute when blush  
sleepy now  
goodnight

 **Me**  
goodnight Eren text me tomorrow, ok?  
asleep already? lol  
bonne nuit <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jean is actually a genius, no kidding, because 1 is _sehr gut_ , very good, and in my experience to get a German to call something 'very good' it has to be at least absolutely outstanding in every regard. 
> 
> Also I stole the fairy tale from a wikipedia page like a real writer.
> 
> Still ashamed about that poem, btw.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've finally figured it out - it will be this chapter + the actual ending chapter + an epilogue. And it took only 6 chapters to figure out. On a 7 chapters + epilogue fic. I'm so proud of myself.
> 
> This chapter is even more sticky feelingly than the rest. Lotsa serious talk. They also have the stupidest argument I've ever written. Prepare to be amazed. There's also a minor twist to the format for a while, I hope it isn't too jarring.

**Creep <3**  
u think my butt's fat Jean be honest

**Me**  
what happened to our usual greeting  
you know, 'JEAN HEY LOOK AT MY UNDERWEAR B)!'

**Creep <3**  
THERE IS NO TIME?????  
this is v urgent and important  
(but if u feel up for B) do it)

**Me**  
your butt is pleasantly round, like mandolin shape, I am appreciative of it  
(lol in your dreams)

**Creep <3**  
wow that sure sounds like a straight man talkin  
(ye u sure do lots in my dreams)

**Me**  
nice butts transcend sexuality Eren, especially for a Frenchman, we appreciate all beauty  
a ducker like you wouldn't understand  
(yeah I bet you expect me to ask you what do I do in your dreams exactly  
I can see your traps coming from kms Eren stop) 

**Creep <3**  
u keep on tellin urself that  
specially after yesterday  
(oh come on ur no fun)

**Me**  
dammit yeah that made my het level drop another ten points at least  
but at least I don't have your B) on my phone  
and only one in which I'm actually naked is kind of blurry and I  
OMG IS THAT YOUR I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE A PIC OF  
you will have to wash that underwear again fuck I can't believe  
I WILL STOP LOOKING AT THE PICS NOW BEFORE I DIE OF SHAME  
(:P)

**Creep <3**  
awww damn just 10?  
will have to put more effort next time  
if u say it like that I feel bit dirty D:  
(lol Jean giving me tongue  
I'd know what to do w/ it)

**Me**  
sorry for the feeling dirty but you're kind of well maybe not dirty but  
I mean how can you turn emoticons into sexual innuendos HOW  
what are you

**Creep <3**  
hey! I'm usually not like this u know  
lol u inspire me

**Me**  
yeah, I'm so lucky I pull out the creep in you

**Creep <3**  
...

**Me**  
NO DON'T GET OFFENDED I AM NERVOUS I SAY BULLSHIT WHEN I'M NERVOUS  
I just...I mean you confuse me but I'm not, like, disgusted by you or  
ok I don't think you're dirty I mean I think you're a little dirty but like in a good way  
in a way that I find hot I mean, you're, like...if it wasn't for you being the way you are  
I wouldn't have done the things I did and I'm happy with having done the things I did  
with you because I liked it and I like you does that make sense idek

**Creep <3**  
calm down bb I got you k<3  
I like u bit dirty too lol  
gtg now but I want to be sure u still k  
w/ yesterday

**Me**  
don't worry, yeah, I'm still ok with everything all in all, text me later ok?

**Creep <3**  
sure

  


  


  


**Creep <3**  
Jean 

**Me**  
Eren! what's up?

**Creep <3**  
I uh  
can u talk?  
if Imma bother just tell me  
it's not important

**Me**  
yeah why? you sound different from usual

**Creep <3**  
y I kinda  
I know we don't really have  
that kinda thing but

**Me**  
what's wrong?

**Creep <3**  
I just unno I feel  
so weird sometimes  
idek if I can explain

**Me**  
give it a try! 

**Creep <3**  
I unno I'm sorry this is stupid  
forget I said anything

**Me**  
Eren?

**Creep <3**  
sorry  
tell me bout ur day  
it'll cheer me up  
Jean?  
Jean, wat  
u said u could talk but  
are u busy or

**Me**  
 _Calling Creep <3..._  
 _Call connected._

"Jean!"

"Hi. I hope this isn't too weird or..."

"No, not weird! I'm...you're calling me!"

"Yeah, I figured it would be easier for you to spit it out if you were talking."

"But I thought you..."

"Fuck my fucking complexes. I wanted to talk to you."

"That's the spirit! Jean, oh fuck. I can't believe this is really your voice. Your accent is so cute!"

"Oh shut up. I didn't call you to get compliments. So, what's the matter?"

"I...oh fuck, it's so hard to concentrate on that now. You called me! I have this grin on my face now, I'm so happy!"

"Eren, stop! This is so silly!"

"Oh my fuck, are you _blushing_? Is this your blushing voice?"

"Oh God!"

"That's a yes, isn't it."

"If you've gotta be stupid about this I'm hanging up!"

"Nononono! Come on, don't be like that. I'm just so happy. You have no idea how much hearing your voice cheered me up!"

"Yeah, I kinda got that. Mh. You have a nice voice too. I expected you to sound younger, for some reason...you sound like a real adult on the phone."

"Told you I had the sexy gruff voice."

"And then I actually listen to the bullshit you say and the illusion shatters. Fuck, you're terrible. You're even more terrible live." 

"I know you love me."

"Pffff, shut the fuck up."

"Oh fuck, are you laughing? Is that your laughter? Can you even do something that isn't absurdly cute?"

"Oh, stop it!"

"No, you stop it!"

"Seriously, now. What it is that made you so sad?"

"..."

"You do the enigmatic silences in real life, too, I see."

"...it's just...it's not really something I can explain. Sometimes I just feel like this, and...and I feel sad, and Mikasa and Armin are out, and even if they were here, I can't really go to them and tell them I'm sad about nothing, they'll get worried."

"Hey. It's normal to feel like this from time to time, I think, even if I get that it's probably not normal to _you_."

"Yeah! Yeah, that's precisely _it_. It's weird to me. I usually throw myself into things without looking back, and now that I have doubts...it feels so weird. I'm sorry, I'm throwing all this silly stuff on you."

"No, don't worry. To be honest, it's kind of reassuring."

"Reassuring?"

"Whenever I hear from you you're always this ball of energy who's going a mile a minute and I wonder sometimes, so I'm happy you don't feel like you have to keep up a pretense of being always alright with me. But of course I'm not happy you're sad, of course...I want you to feel better soon, though I guess what one wants has little to do with it, isn't it? God, I'm fucking terrible at this." 

"No, you're doing good!"

"Good. Because. You know. I guess even if I always say you're a dick I kind of...well...I want you to be alright. You're...I've kind...you've become kind of important to me. So please, even if you feel a bit down, don't let the sadness get to you. It's something that passes."

"..."

"Eren?"

"Jean, let's meet. Right now. I'll come over, where do you live?"

"Eren..."

"Or if you want to come over here? Or maybe we could meet halfway...Jean...please..."

"Not now."

"But why not!"

"I said I'd call you in my time and I came around, didn't I? Don't be pushy, now. Don't ruin it."

"It's just...it...it would be much easier to...to talk if I could kiss you while I do it. Oh, that would make everything so easy."

"...Eren...I'm not...trying to be mean, you know. Armin told me you're a ball of issues, but you're not the only one. I need to do things at my pace."

"I know. I'm not saying...I'm just...I didn't know it was possible to miss somebody you've never met."

"..."

"..."

"Eren..."

"I'm sleepy." 

"It's the middle of the day..."

"I didn't sleep well tonight, I'll take a nap. I fall asleep fast, can you wait on the phone until I fall asleep?"

"Why?"

"It's...it's a stupid thing."

"Spit it, Eren."

"If I can listen to your breath I can pretend you're next to me."

"...God, you're a creep."

"I'm sorry."

"No you aren't. 

"..."

"...How will I be able to tell when you're asleep?"

"...I snore like a pig. But, Jean..."

"Fucking incredible. How are you so completely unable to feel shame at anything?"

"Are you waiting? Really?"

"Only if you go to sleep for real, though. I have other shit to do today."

"I am! I am going. I'm already asleep."

" _Et bien, bonne nuit, salaud._ "

"...you sound so cute when you talk in French, oh fuck."

"Sleep!"

"...thank you, Jean."

  


  


  


**Me**  
Eren

**Creep <3**  
HEY U TXT ME FIRST  
HI :DDDD  
B)????

**Me**  
wow lol such enthusiasm  
you feel better then?

**Creep <3**  
Y THANK U SO MUCH  
ur voice cheered me up so much  
thank u for waitin for me for sleep thing too

**Me**  
no probs  
btw YOU DO SNORE LIKE A PIG WOW I THOUGHT YOU HAD ACCIDENTALLY TURNED ON THE TV  
AND THERE WAS A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT SAWING TREES ON FOR A MOMENT

**Creep <3**  
Imma real man thru and thru

**Me**  
my God Eren what are you how are you even real  
hey, are you still angry about not meeting?

**Creep <3**  
y a bit but it's ur choice  
I can be patient

**Me**  
lol sure you can

**Creep <3**  
...

**Me**  
...sorry I'm doing the nervous thing again. I know you're trying hard for me. I am grateful

**Creep <3**  
JEAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN  
u make waitin so hard  
but I'll do it  
Jean?  
...

**Me**  
can't talk sorry I just wanted to check on you, I gtg now  
text you soon k?

**Creep <3**  
y bb <3

  


  


  


**Me**  
Eren, are you free?  
can I serious talk a moment?

**Creep <3**  
course  
serious talk weekend lol

**Me**  
lol yeah  
do you regret receiving my pics that day?  
Like, do you ever think all in all it was more trouble than what it's worth?

**Creep <3**  
that not serious talk  
that crazy talk  
of course no  
do u regret it

**Me**  
I used to, but now I am kind of happy it happened.  
Maybe you're right and we would have been friends even if we met IRL but  
knowing myself I wouldn't have ever gathered enough balls to ask you  
to do the other kind of things

**Creep <3**  
maybe I would've tho

**Me**  
yeah but I don't know if you would have been interested like that in me

**Creep <3**  
but bb u so cute<3  
how could I not be interested  
such cute hottie  
goin all blushy round me

**Me**  
ugh Eren I hate you you're so mushy  
I'm happy things went the way they did ok, please remember even if we argue  
terribly one day and end up hating each other

**Creep <3**  
you're making my heart ache  
why u think of stuff like this

**Me**  
I'm a pessimist and I just wanted you to know that before I fuck everything up

**Creep <3**  
maybe I fuck all up

**Me**  
maybe, yeah, but the point is, it was good while it lasted, ok

**Creep <3**  
Jean you talk like u going to die or smthing  
make me worry  
OH SHIT DO U WANNA DUMP ME

**Me**  
WHAT NO  
we're not even properly together wth no way I'd dump you before at least  
fucking everything up IRL I'm just in a mood so I wanted to say some things ok

**Creep <3**  
why mood

**Me**  
nothing

**Creep <3**  
no I wanna know

**Me**  
look it's just  
I'm reconsidering my life and I'm kind of dissatisfied with the way things are atm???  
I used to think I would be ok with my law degree and some cushy job and money  
but now not so much and my mum's cool she'll pay for uni even if I change  
but I feel so much of a spoiled momma's boy letting her pay while I can do nothing but  
whine and have doubts and be unhappy and I know she has money and I know  
it's not like that it's different but I feel like a little ungrateful shit

**Creep <3**  
dad helps me pay for uni too  
it normal parents help  
\+ if u wanna u can find little job???

**Me**  
yeah but she at least wants to see good results and if I change at this point I'll lose grades  
and what would I change with anyway I kinda want to try literature or philosophy but  
god that sounds so whiney and hipstery like omg I'm the stereotypical bourgeois asshole  
another useless boring rich European kid who spends his days navelgazing

**Creep <3**  
JEAN NO NO NO NO NO  
u cool u have doubts u told me  
it's ok to have doubts +  
u should just what u wanna do k  
fuck the haters fuck feeling guilty k  
even if u wanna drop out and go  
like busk at the sides of the street  
that's still k u should still do it  
plz be happy do things plz

**Me**  
WELL THAT'S AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION ALRIGHT  
damn this is somehow more embarrassing than the porn pics I can't believe I said all that shit

**Creep <3**  
no Jean please don't  
I am happy u talked me  
even if I'm not useful plz keep doing it

**Me**  
well, it's not like I was expecting you to figure out my life for me, you know  
it felt good to vent tho, plus it's nice that you're so enthusiast  
I mean, Marco and Armin agree with my doubts but their attitude is more like  
let's carefully examine pros and cons of all decisions and make lists  
while your attitude is more like GO WHERE U HEART TAKES U :D  
it's kind of refreshing

**Creep <3**  
GHO WERE HEART TAKS U :DDDDD

**Me**  
HOW CAN YOUR TYPING BE WORSE THAN MY PARODY OF YOUR TYPING  
WHAT ARE YOU  
YOU MAKE ME SO MAD HOW DO YOU SURVIVE IRL  
sometimes I think you don't exist and are some sort of communication tech ghost  
who exists to make me drool over perfect abs and forget my problems for a while

**Creep <3**  
:D perfect abs  
its same for me  
I have lotsa probs too  
but chatting w/ u makes it better  
even just silly chat

**Me <3**  
I'm glad I told you I want you to be alright it's important

**Creep <3**  
k ur being so nice  
so much for being a dick

**Me**  
yeah well for a creep you're turning out to be rather the chivalrous type  
you even wrote a poem for me  
it was terrible but I suppose it's the thought that counts eh

**Creep <3**  
should I write u a good one

**Me**  
NO no poem please last thing I want in life is become the object of an actual love poem  
you'd do it if I asked wouldn't you BUT NO

**Creep <3**  
lol I've seen enough French movies to know  
that a blatant lie  
alright I'll write u nice poem :D  
will take a while tho

**Me**  
shut the fuck up you make me so mad so mad

**Creep <3**  
lol no but seriously  
good way or bad way mad

**Me**  
confusing way mad you destroy me I'm so confused

**Creep <3**  
...  
u angry at me?

**Me**  
no it's just I'm beginning to feel like I could really like, you know, fall for you  
like, for real the real deal  
and we haven't even met irl once and we met through lewd selfies and just  
nothing's right nothing is going the way it's supposed to I'm bit scared  
no scratch that I'm TERRIFIED

**Creep <3**  
who cares about right or supposed to  
you make me happy  
if I make you happy too  
that's all that matters

**Me**  
how can you say that kind of stuff so easily what are you  
my head is spinning you do terrible things to me

_Incoming call: Creep <3..._  
 _Call refused._

**Creep <3**  
JEAN NOT THIS AGAIN PLEASE

**Me**  
calm down

**Creep <3**  
Jean I'm really fucking into you rn  
you can't say shit like that  
and expect me to not react  
I'm an intense SOB  
when you say shit like that  
I just wanna hug kiss you better  
tell you it's alright  
but you refuse my calls  
like you think I'm some kinda  
idk I get sad and angry idk what to do

**Me**  
I'm sorry

**Creep <3**  
no don't apologize  
I'm pushy I know  
I wanna be good but  
you gotta help me bit  
fuckign stop it w/ mixed messages k  
I'm terrible at straight up unmixed messages already k  
I just can't do it w/ mixed ones at all k

**Me**  
I don't do it on purpose, I promise  
you just confuse the fuck out of me and idk what to do????  
I've never been like this with a man, I had a crush on my best friend for a while  
so I kind of knew I wasn't 100% straight, but it wasn't like THIS  
fuck nothing ever was like this, nothing makes sense  
I don't want to be a dick to you because of my own shit  
but idk I feel like I shouldn't start a thing with you

**Creep <3**  
why not

**Me**  
well you're a creep you fapped to my pics

**Creep <3**  
YOU TOO

**Me**  
YOU STARTED IT 

**Creep <3**  
NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN  
WE ARE FUCKING EVEN  
U HAVE PICS OF ME TOUCHING MYSELF

**Me**  
AND YOU HAVE PICS OF ME TOO

**Creep <3**  
YEAH I DO DON'T I  
lovely pics btw  
nice angle good quality  
gave myself a rug burn lookin at them  
also ALL PICS U WILLINGLY SENT  
WE'RE IN THE SAME FUCKIN CREEPER BOAT

**Me**  
lol fuck you you animal of course that's not the problem who gives a fuck at this point  
serious talk  
everything about this is so nice and like...weirdly romantic in this off quirky way  
and I'm afraid meeting will ruin it  
like, you're kind of a ducker and so am I, I am 100% sure it will end in disaster

**Creep <3**  
alright that's a valid concern  
we are totally both assholes  
and there's a >0 chance we'll fuck it up  
but I still think it would be worth a try  
focus on the prize here  
eating nutella off abs of steel  
and possibly my dick

**Me**  
wow you're the last romantic I'm swooning  
idk there's a lot of shit I need to take in, it's really complicated ok

**Creep <3**  
I respect it  
I'm trying to be patient  
but Jean I'm fuckin dying over here  
sometimes I feel like it's all in my head  
and u don't even care

**Me**  
ok no yeah that's bullshit dude don't ever say that shit seriously I will punch you  
idgf if you can karate chop me into nonexistence don't ever say that shit  
I care so much I'm fucking ashamed of myself like wow Jean really wtf  
like I surprise myself idly wondering about what are you doing at random times  
or if you have a book that changed your life  
or what's your favorite kind of chocolate in case I want to make you chocolate chips cookies

**Creep <3**  
:D that's too cute  
books are many  
but movies more  
I have sweet tooth!  
I like white chocolate  
wait u can bake?  
:DDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!  
so cute wifey Jean

**Me**  
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DICK  
now I gotta go

**Creep <3**  
me too txt later?

**Me**  
shit turns out I'll be busy all day  
but no lesson on Monday morning for me can I text you tomorrow when I wake up?

**Creep <3**  
I'll be at lesson but it boring lesson  
prof just reads his slides aloud in a dark room  
I usually just nap like the rest of class  
so def txt me all the time k

**Me**  
then it's a date I'll text you tomorrow as soon as I wake up :xxxxx

**Creep <3**  
are those  
smooches

**Me**  
THEY'RE IRONIC unless you like them

**Creep <3**  
I lOVE SMOOCHES xxxxxx  
HOW DID U KNOW BB xxxxxxx  
txt me tomorrow xxxxxx

**Me**  
k xxxxx

  


  


  


**Me**  
hi Eren how's your lesson going? (Marco says ciao)

**Creep <3**  
(ciao back!)  
lesson boring as shit  
looking at ur pics now  
so I don't fall asleep lol

**Me**  
perv don't pull out my dirty pics in a public place!  
Eren I mean it I'll be pissed!

**Creep <3**  
no dw the real dirty ones  
aren't even on my phone anymore  
don't wanna share u w/ anybody  
I was just stalkin ur FB

**Me**  
thank you for that but wow  
you do realize FB stalking is something normal human beings feel shame about right

**Creep <3**  
I'm jealous type k  
btw isn't about time u change status  
from single to in a relationship

**Me**  
sigh  
I don't feel like it rn k

**Creep <3**  
...  
u don't think we're really together?

**Me**  
it's not that

**Creep <3**  
I think it that tho  
r u seeing other ppl

**Me**  
what? no I'm too much of a loser for that

**Creep <3**  
but if u had chance

**Me**  
I wouldn't do it anyway because you're more than enough for three people  
even if only thru texts

**Creep <3**  
Jean this is serious talk

**Me**  
I know. I know you take things seriously and so do I  
I'm a good kid, my mama raised me well, k?  
btw you KNOW FOR A FACT I'm not seeing anyone anyway so stop it

**Creep <3**  
wat u mean  
I don't know anything!  
well except wat u put on FB

**Me**  
oh really??? Armin has never been friendlier  
and I'm not sure Mikasa entirely realized I existed before but nowadays  
she's always chatting me up  
you pull this Stasi shit and then you go all jealous on me you can go fuck yourself

**Creep <3**  
I DIDN'T ASK THEM ANYTHING

**Me**  
suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you didn't  
and you plug your ears when they come refer back to you right

**Creep <3**  
K SO I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT  
IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE IT'S JUST  
WE CLOSE AND THEY WORRY SO IT HAPPENS  
DON'T MAKE ME OUT TO BE A CREEP

**Me**  
YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE ONE GODDAMMIT EREN  
I've been tolerant so far because it was a weird situation and you're just weird overall but  
I realize now it was a mistake so letting you know right now  
that it's a shitty as fuck position you've put me in and my patience's over

**Creep <3**  
K LOOK I'LL TELL THEM TO STOP K  
I PROMISE I'LL TELL THEM  
I PROMISE I'LL TRUST U BUT  
U ANSWER  
WOULD U BE DATING SOMEBODY ELSE IF U COULD  
Y OR N

**Me**  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU IDIOT THERE'S YOU AND YOU ALONE  
AND THE INSINUATION IS KIND OF SHITTY OFFENSIVE EREN

**Creep <3**  
THAT'S SO SWEET  
BUT UR SUCH A HOTTIE  
I'M SO JEALOUS

**Me**  
WELL DON'T FUCKING BE IT'S A SHITTY THING TO BE

**Creep <3**  
WELL I'M SORRY IT'S HOW I AM  
AND BUT IF UR SERIOUS  
WHY HIDE UR W/ ME BB

**Me**  
I'm not HIDING you megadouche I'm just not ready to go official k  
but if somebody asks lately I'm always saying I'm seeing somebody ask anybody  
ask Sasha she asked me just the other day  
BUT if we start telling people it's me and you  
the others will ask how we meet or when did we start dating and  
"oh yeah we met when I accidentally sent him half-naked selfies"  
"no we haven't met yet but the sexting is really hot"  
"yeah I figured I was straight but then he bought red underwear and"  
you know me I'll die of shame Eren  
I can face it if you're there with me physically but alone I'll just die

**Creep <3**  
I don't give a fuck what others think  
neither should u

**Me**  
yeah but I do because I'm an insecure little boy ok  
and NO LAW ON EARTH COMPELS ME TO JUST OBEY YOUR ORDERS  
I let you be a pushy shithead most of the time because you always respect me in the end  
but if you start pulling this shit I'm warning you  
this is dumping basis for me right here right now

**Creep <3**  
...  
sorry

**Me**  
no don't apologize I'm not dumping you for real I'm just setting the record straight k  
but fuck it pisses me off that you dare to be jealous  
when you've basically ruined me for anybody else in the world  
how could I even think of dating anybody else when you're YOU  
I'm the one who should be paranoid as hell you're the charming SOB I'm just a loser  
but I try not to be because I'm so happy and I don't wanna jinx it

**Creep <3**  
...  
I promise I'm tellin Arm and Mikarin  
to leave u alone promise promise  
sorry for being jealous  
sorry sorry u so sweet

**Me**  
yeah, yeah, whatever. it's over. all forgiven, ok? I can even...  
...I'll change my status to "it's complicated" and if somebody asks I'll just tell them to fuck off 

**Creep <3**  
NO THERE'S NO NEED BB 

**Me**  
nah I'll feel better if I do it too, a part of me kind of wants people to know  
but YOU TELL ARMIN  &CO TO LAY OFF ME OK  
especially Mikasa I've seen her break planks in two with her forehead

**Creep <3**  
I CAN DO THAT TOO BB  
one plank for now but I'll catch up

**Me**  
YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT OF WHAT I SAID  
AND THE LAST THING YOU NEED IS HEAD TRAUMA TBH

**Creep <3**  
...  
u just changed ur status I can't  
ur just such a sweetheart I can't believe  
I'm putting mine as 'relationship' do u mind?  
won't say w/ who promise  
will just say it's a secret for now

**Me**  
I can live with that, alright.  
honestly I can't believe you're making such a big deal of this lol  
number of times somebody has hit on me via FB in my lifetime is 0

**Creep <3**  
I'm so sorry so sorry never again  
txting Arm e Mikarin rn as we speak  
...  
r we k now

**Me**  
...yeah, I think so. our first official real lover's spat is over

**Creep <3**  
lol bb y glad it's over  
make up B)????

**Me**  
ROT IN HELL  
wow this was a rollercoaster from start to finish  
how the hell didn't people at your lesson notice anything?

**Creep <3**  
lol this weird class  
most ppl just sleep  
both ppl next to me  
both checking phones  
tho I think I'm only one  
who's arguing w/ boyfriend lol

**Me**  
lol yeah we're special like that <3

**Creep <3**  
hey Jean actually  
I was thinking bout it this morning  
while thinking bout u<3  
there's something  
I wanna ask actually 

**Me**  
sure ask away

**Creep <3**  
send me pic  
of u w/ clothes like  
how u r rite now

**Me**  
why?

**Creep <3**  
wanna look at u being u  
w/out other stuff  
I've seen some on FB  
but I wanna one for me

**Me**  
ok, but you send a pic too

**Creep <3**  
I knew u were going to ask  
so I took one this morning!  
 _Sending image file..._  
wearing brand new sweater u like

**Me**  
yes actually! you look good in white, wow

**Creep <3**  
lol it's already stained w/ coffee rn  
Mikarin keeps buyin me white stuff  
and I cover it in stains in about 5 sec  
and then I put it in the washer  
and I forget a sock w/ it  
my closet is filled w/ light pinkish/bluish clothes  
that are all ex-white clothes lol

**Me**  
lol Eren you're such a disaster  
 _Sending image file..._  
sorry for the scarf I was having a hipster day today

**Creep <3**  
no cute scarf!  
u so cute  
I feel better  
...  
sometimes I think I wanna  
just find out where u are  
and go to you  
but then you'll be pissed  
so every time that I want to push  
I'll look at this  
remind myself u so cute and nice and fun  
and even if I have to wait  
I'm alright with that  
because you're worth waiting for  
Jean?

**Me**  
GODDAMMIT MARCO JUST TOLD ME THAT HE'LL LEAVE ME ALONE IF I WANNA  
HE THINKS WE'RE SEXTING  
BECAUSE I'M BLUSHING SO FUCKING HARD LIKE UP TO MY EARS  
what are you what do you do to me

**Creep <3**  
bb you're so cute

**Me**  
did you just call me baby  
don't call me baby

**Creep <3**  
lol I been doin it for a while tho  
\+ ur already 'the babe' in my contact list

**Me**  
...omg you're right how did I miss it lol  
you know what I can live with that too  
btw you're 'Creep <3'

**Creep <3**  
you so mean

**Me**  
hey it has a tiny heart next to it  
you're a creep but you're the only creep who's got a place close to my heart  
my very own creepy nutella boy <3  
who writes poems for me and makes me blush and makes me too damn happy

**Creep <3**  
wTF SHIT  
I MADE NOISE  
PROF STARE AT ME  
ALL CLASS STARE AT ME

**Me**  
AHA SO YOU'LL LEARN ABOUT SAYING EMBARRASSING STUFF  
<3 FOR <3NDETTA

**Creep <3**  
WTF  
FUCK U  
THAT'S THE LAMEST THING EVER  
DUCKER

**Me**  
you're laughing so hard the whole class is staring at you?

**Creep <3**  
NO  
I LOL'D SO HARD  
THEY KICKED ME OUT

**Me**  
MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT YET

**Creep <3**  
THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME I TALK TO YOU  
...  
...  
...  
...  
during lesson

**Me**  
fuck you with a live cat  
gotta go now srry  <3  
:xxxxxxx

**Creep <3**  
SMOOCH  
xxxxxxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My French is rusty as all hell but Jean is saying more or less "then, goodnight, you creep."
> 
> The Stasi was the secret police of East Germany back before the fall of the Berlin Wall. Relied heavily on average citizens turned informants. 
> 
> I would like to just thank everybody who gave this tiny silly fic a chance. Also a special big schmoopy sappy thank you to all the marvellous people who took the time to leave kudos and especially comment. You know who you are. There's an even bigger schmoopy sappy thank you ready for when I post the epilogue but I needed to say something now.
> 
> There's also a very cute fic by [cheshireree](http://cheshire-ree.tumblr.com/) on tumblr that they say has been partially inspired by my fic but tbh I can't see how a fic as cute as that one can be inspired by my silly thing. Go read their stuff because they're amazing. I mean, they have a fic in which Jean flirts with Eren by writing on his face with a sharpie. They have a deep understanding of this pairing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. THERE'S PHONESEX IN IT. It's been a while since the last time I wrote phonesex so it's probably terrible. Like most other things in this fic. Epilogue will be posted immediately after this since it's short and silly.

**Me**  
Eren can you talk now?

**Creep <3**  
JEAN TXTSSSS  
course  
B)????  
or more srs talk

**Me**  
no, enough with the serious talk

**Creep <3**  
u don't regret talking to me  
or sending pics to me do u

**Me**  
no no no no no not at all like I totally promise  
in fact if you're not a ducker about it we could try a thing

**Creep <3**  
wat  
a thing like what  
I promise I'm not a ducker  
but a thing like whatt  
Jean do you wanna send more pics  
Jean  
Jean B)????  
Jean T9 knows your name now  
Jean it also knows ducker and B)  
Jean we have created a language  
Jean pls I'm gonna die of thirst  
JEAAAAAANNNNNNN

**Me**  
sorry I fell asleep lol

**Creep <3**  
FUCK YOOOOUUUUU

**Me**  
are you home

**Creep <3**  
it's 2 am???? on a Monday????

**Me**  
you have to be really alone at home in your room alone

**Creep <3**  
I am really alone at home in my room alone wtf Jean

**Me**  
you fukken idiot  
 _Sending image file..._

**Creep <3**  
!!!  
WOAH YOU ARE VERY NAKED  
LIKE TOTALLY NAKED NO SKULLS NAKED  
nice bedsheets

**Me**  
is it too much you can erase it  
I have never done anything like this  
I like have no fucking idea what I'm doing on various different levels  
look, erase them and pretend it never happened  
thank you they were on sale at Strauss

**Creep <3**  
calm the fuck down  
deep breaths  
me and my dick agree u fine  
here proof  
 _Incoming image file..._

**Me**  
oh that's you your you are already  
for me?

**Creep <3**  
y fuck I'm so hard for you  
you're so hot you ducker

**Me**  
I knew u thirsty ;)

**Creep <3**  
fuck u  
damn I wish u were here  
I could do filthy shit to u  
u have no idea

**Me**  
...then give me an idea tell me what would you do?

**Creep <3**  
I unno I lack bit of inspiration  
maybe it's time for  
B)?????

**Me**  
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ASKED FOR THAT LIKE THAT  
I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M COMPLYING  
 _Sending image file..._  
probably not very HD sorry I'm laughing so hard

**Creep <3**  
yes  
YES  
ladies and gentlemen  
we have achieved  
THE JEAN DICK PIC B)

**Me**  
lol you ducker

**Creep <3**  
u have v cute dick!!!!  
rlly wanna touch it  
tease it and jerk it  
all nice and slow for starts  
do it with ur hand k

**Me**  
oh oh oh ok

**Creep <3**  
if u wanna u can get ur hand wet  
pretend it's my mouth  
because I really wanna  
kiss it and lick it all around  
and then take it in my mouth  
and suck it

**Me**  
fuck I can imagine you looking at me with your pretty eyes  
while you have your mouth on my dick

**Creep <3**  
let's phone  
I wanna hear ur noises bad

**Me**  
not now later

**Creep <3**  
d'aaaawwwwww u mean D:

**Me**  
but I know you like it when I send pics so I'll try to send a lot ok  
 _Sending image file..._  
 _Sending image file..._  
I hope they're not too boring or terrible

**Creep <3**  
LOTTA PICS GOOD  
wtf boring or terrible???  
ALL OF THE PICS I WANNA THEM ALL  
so hot so hot so hot  
shit so pretty  
I wanna suck you off so much  
it's a physical need  
my mouth is watering  
 _Incoming image file..._  
 _Incoming image file..._

**Me**  
that's hot that's so hot how are you so good at this  
what else do you want to do to me

**Creep <3**  
I wanna fuck you until you go crosseyed  
do u want more pics

**Me**  
hey maybe I'll be the one doing the fucking  
 _Sending image file..._  
 _Sending image file..._  
pics or text what you want to send I'm ok with it  
I'm kind of getting very hard with your texts alone if I'm honest damn

**Creep <3**  
u like dirty talk bb????

**Me**  
I didn't know but I apparently really fucking do like dirty talk  
like love the fuck out of it shit

**Creep <3**  
I'll let u fuck me if u wanna  
but rn I really really wanna fuck u bb  
fuck look at that face look at u blush  
bb do a thing for me k  
bite ur mouth for me make it wet and red  
suck ur lip in like you would suck my dick  
show me how pretty u r like that

**Me**  
you mean like this?  
 _Sending image file..._

**Creep <3**  
YES BB YES THAT'S JUST THE THING  
u so shy so sweet I'll get u  
to open up on my fingers all nice and slow  
bb until there are tears in ur eyes  
and ur begging for it  
please fuck me Eren please

**Me**  
yeah I never did anything like this but now I'm thinking of you fucking me  
Eren yes I want to yes first chance you get fuck me 

**Creep <3**  
oh Jean  
my bb hard and wet for me  
I could give it to you until u forget how to speak  
u want it like this bb?  
show me how much u want it

**Me**  
 _Sending image file..._

**Creep <3**  
how can u not see how hot u are  
gonna fukin ruin u if I put my hands on u

**Me**  
Eren call me now before I lose courage

_Incoming call: Creep <3..._  
 _Call connected._

"Eren..."

"Jean! Oh fuck, hearing you say my name like that, I almost came..."

"Don't yell, Jesus Christ! Thank god I didn't put on speaker, shit..."

"Sorry, it's just...fuck you sound so hot, fuck..."

"Eren, you too, I...I never even kissed a man and now I want your dick inside me so bad..."

"J-ah! Shit! Baby, if you want me to last longer than last time you shouldn't say shit like that, ok?"

"You possessive dickhead, you like it when I say you're my first? Because you are. Nobody ever made me feel like this."

"Yes-yes, oh fuck, you're so perfect baby, you're so nice, you're so perfect..."

"And now I'm thinking...you know, I never even...had anything up there, not even when I was a teenager and trying out things, but now...there's some lube in the nightstand and..."

"Oh, fuck, you would? Really? For me?"

"I would do anything for you, Eren, right now, anything...I wanna be all yours, I wanna be all naked and open for you, I want to do all the things I've never done..."

"Shit, Jean...slow the fuck down, I'm close, shit..."

"I'm close too, so close, so close, got myself all worked up thinking of your d-dick inside me..."

"Jean!"

"I'm sorry, I feel like...I want to say it all, I want you to hear it, I want you to know exactly what you do to me...I wanna suck your dick, I want you to tie me up, to fuck me against every surface in this shitty tiny room, pressed against the window so everybody will see how much of a slut I am for you..."

"Oh my god, Jean, I'm going crazy..."

"I want you to see me at my lowest and dirtiest, I want you to bite me and leave marks all over me and fuck me until I can't walk straight, so everybody who sees me will know I'm yours, all yours..."

"Jean...gonna...come, gonna..."

"Yes, yes, come, Eren, let's come together, I want to make you come, I want to make you come in me, all over me, Eren come, Eren, Eren, please, I'm coming too, I'm coming, Eren, come for me, Eren...Eren!"

"Y-ah! Jean! Jean...I'm...aaaah..."

"..."

"..."

"...fuuuuuuuuuck. What was _that_?"

"Yeah...sorry. I rushed it a lil', I was afraid of losing heart, but I wanted to...I wanted to...Was I good?"

"Good? Oh, Jean...my little shy Jean...you had all of this in you this whole time?"

"Yeah, I...I had thought out this whole complicated thing but then, then it was like all the fantasies I had lately involving you came boiling out and I knew that if I stopped myself I was going to just, overthink my boner away so I just, I didn't think at all. I'm sorry."

"About what, about giving me an orgasm? Baby, the only downside to this is that we can't cuddle. Send me a pic of your face now, alright? I wanna see."

"Ah, Eren..."

_Sending image file..._

"Look at your fucked out face, I can't believe you still look so innocent! Are those really your fantasies involving me?"

"I...I decided to try out phone sex instead of using texts because I thought it would work better like that, and so I read on it, you know, on the Internet, to know how to do it, and then, then this turned into reading some smut and then I was just...I was thinking about, these things. It's weird."

"It's not weird. It's amazing. Your mind is a beautiful little filthy place. Start keeping note of your ideas, because I'm going to make them all come true."

"All of them? Sure you're up for that? There are quite a few."

"Are you kidding me? You've got me hard for you like the fucking stone. First time you let me put my filthy hands on you it's gonna be a night to remember. Probably gonna bleed into the next day, in fact. Just gonna keep going until you're talking in tongues and your legs are shaking."

"Pffff, sure you will."

"That's it, I'm gonna grab you and bend you over and make you scream so hard your friends in France will know my name. Make sure nobody opens that lube in your nightstand because you're going to need the whole bottle."

"You're so fucking silly, you know."

"I just like to hear you laugh."

"..."

"..."

"...I can't believe I would ever utter this sentence, but as much as I like listening to you breath in silence, the imaginary anal sex really tired me out." 

"You sleepy?"

"Yeah. And I know you get like fourteen catnaps a day so it's all the same to you but I'm not like that, if I don't sleep at least six hours I'm not functional the next day, and..."

"Yeah, get your beauty sleep, baby. Goodnight."

" _Bonne nuit_. Text me tomorrow as soon as possible, ok? I'll answer even if I am at lesson."

"Sure, baby. And next time talk to me in French a little bit."

" _Tsch, t'es trop bête_. Go to sleep."

"Yeah, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"...are we doing that ridicolous thing in which neither of us wants to hang up first?"

"...I can't believe how lame I've become. I'm going to go break some planks with my forehead now."

"Yeah. My God. This is all your fault, you know, I was a cynical asshole before knowing you and perfectly happy being one."

"Hey, you're the one who sent the selfies!"

"Yeah, and also I wasn't really all that happy. I'm much happier now."

"...it's the same for me."

"..."

"...Let's meet soon."

"...Yes. Let's."

"Really?"

"Really. Goodnight, now, Eren."

"Goodnight."

**Creep <3**  
goodnight bb<3  
xxxxxxx

  


  


**Creep <3**  
Jean baby

**Me**  
Eren

**Creep <3**  
you say my name so sexy

**Me**  
lol it was a text

**Creep <3**  
yeah but I remembered  
ur sexy French accent  
all breathy for me  
from last nite  
WHICH WAS AMAZING

**Me**  
wait YOU MEAN IT HAPPENED FOR REAL

**Creep <3**  
fraid so  
btw we are marrying

**Me**  
I'm terrified  
FUCK I DIDN'T DREAM THAT WE DID IT FOR REAL  
OMG DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER THE SHIT I SAID

**Creep <3**  
I do but Imma not think bout it now  
I am on the bus  
a boner would be inconvenient

**Me**  
fuck I am embarrassed

**Creep <3**  
don't be

**Me**  
dude I BEGGED YOU TO PUT YOUR  
I can't even complete that sentence fuck  
I don't usually do this kind of thing, it feels surreal, like it's another person

**Creep <3**  
surreal, uhu  
ur so good w/ words  
I love it<3

**Me**  
I can't believe I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAN'T BELIEVE THE SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH  
WTH WHAT HAS MY LIFE BECOME

**Creep <3**  
y it was pretty damn filthy  
even for my standards  
so proud of u bb

**Me**  
lol I remember 'your friends in France will know my name' yeah right  
no way you can live up to half the bullshit you said

**Creep <3**  
u gimme a chance I'll show u  
maybe they won't know my name in France  
but the leg shaking part? oh y

**Me**  
lol yeah right whatevs  
how is it that you say? 'u keep on tellin urself that'

**Creep <3**  
u'll see bb<3  
just gimme a chance

**Me**  
you are fucking despicable you know that you're lucky you're hot  
though I have to say upon review of all your selfies that the nutella one is still my fave

**Creep <3**  
bb<3  
the lick nutella off my abs offer is still open bb  
I can't wait

**Me**  
dumbass  
gtg :xxxxxx

**Creep <3**  
txt me soon xxxxx

  


  


  


**Me**  
yo Bodt do you remember my friend?

**The Bodt**  
oooh are we having crepes again?

**Me**  
actually mama sent the baking pan for madeleines with recipe so I was gonna try those?

**The Bodt**  
aaaah Jean does Eren know you can cook because I'm so envious of him for this  
I love Mina but she could burn a salad  
I mean your friend he can cook JUST LIKE YOU ;)

**Me**  
my friend has casually hinted at the fact he could make him cookies just in case  
also fuck you'd be an awful mafioso are you even really Italian

**The Bodt**  
JEAN you know my opinion on mafia jokes!!!  
I will pretend I didn't read that because I assume you're nervous and therefore being a dick

**Me**  
...and you'd be right sorry  
but shut up and listen my friend has a problem

**The Bodt**  
alright what did friend do this time????

**Me**  
alright so  
the thing with Eren has progressed to the point that they have long conversations  
about the meaning of life and chat about pointless thing and have in-jokes  
and also they might have had some wild phonesex like it was filthy as fuck  
with pics worth YEARS of blackmail and ungrammatical dirty texting  
and some rather incredible discoveries about my sexuality  
says my friend

**The Bodt**  
Jean what did we say to your friend about tmi'ng your friends  
But! Seems like your friend had no reason to doubt himself, isn't it?  
So, what it is that your friend needs to know?

**Me**  
uh sorry I'm used to texting with Eren he doesn't know the meaning of tmi  
or shame  
wait my friend is  
oh who am I fooling  
Eren wants to meet me. I am 100% sure that the moment we meet I'll fuck something up  
and it will be over and I don't want this to be over  
what we have right now is so good as it is

**The Bodt**  
You have your doubts and they're very reasonable.  
But I know you.  
If you really thought it was good as it was, you wouldn't ask me for advice.

**Me**  
...I just don't want to fuck things up.

**The Bodt**  
You won't.  
Plus, it seems to me like meeting now won't change much, isn't it?

**Me**  
I don't know, I

**The Bodt**  
Jean. Do you want to meet him, yes or no?

**Me**  
YES  
but I want to wait  
forever

**The Bodt**  
He's rather short on patience, the kid, you know.  
And after a while he'll feel like you're leading him on.  
And sincerely, telling him you want to meet so he'll keep on talking to you  
without the actual intention of setting a date IS kind of leading him on, Jean

**Me**  
dammit Marco why can't you stop being this shining beacon of righteousness  
be on my side for once

**The Bodt**  
I'm always on your side  
You're the one who's got a knack for self-sabotage, Jean.

**Me**  
Ugh I hate you you're so  
so NICE and RIGHT ugh

**The Bodt**  
You're nice too, you just like to pretend you aren't for reasons I can't fathom

**Me**  
nobody likes a nice person Marco, look at you, you met the closest thing you have  
to a boyfriend through accidental sexting and now you're agonizing over meeting him  
wow how am I even friend with such a loser

**The Bodt**  
I don't know, I think it's a sweet story in it's own right, Jean.  
What's that word? Serendipity? 

**Me**  
you're like a character in a fucking romantic comedy I stg  
...ugh alright I'll do the right thing  
ufff wish me luck we're going to meet this afternoon

**The Bodt**  
wow, no need to rush now

**Me**  
no, if I delay I'll shit my pants and procrastinate forever

**The Bodt**  
makes sense, alright. Then, good luck! Or break a leg? Whatever. Go and get 'em!  
Go go go Jean!  
You'll sweep him off his feet!  
now can I please use my kitchen I kinda need coffee

**Me**  
shut up Marco. thank you.  
I'm putting the moka up the madeleines should be ready right on time

**The Bodt**  
BLESS the smell is heavenly  
bring some madeleines to Eren I bet he's never leaving you afterwards

  


  


  


**Me**  
What are you doing later? because if you're around town I could like  
bump into you

**Creep <3**  
!!!  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
:D bb yes  
wait no did you mean we can meet  
or smething else  
bb if it is smtg else I'll be k but  
ease me into it

**Me**  
I'll be in the same place you'll be if you want like I'll make sure I am

**Creep <3**  
OF COURSE I FUCKING WANT  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
:DDDDDDDDDDDDD

**Me**  
so I take it you're busy lol

**Creep <3**  
1 thing I'm doing today is u bb  
I have so much I wanna say  
between thrusts<3

**Me**  
wow  
hold your horses I don't kiss on the first date lol

**Creep <3**  
so thirsty I can't even function bb  
but k I'll settle for showin off  
my hottie french bb today

**Me**  
fuck you  
this is terrible and totally wrong  
I don't even like men and I sure as fuck don't like you

**Creep <3**  
are you sure  
because ur dick sure is into me  
at least in the B)

**Me**  
I KNOW I DON'T KNOW WTF

**Creep <3**  
lol  
do u now weirdo modern statue  
in Utgartschlossplatz?

**Me**  
yeah I know it it's sort of hard to forget the huge skinless dude head thing once seen  
but I'm not coming

**Creep <3**  
OH COME ON  
WE COULD MEET IN FRONT OF THE STATUE  
IT WOULD BE LIKE A MOVIE  
W/ PPL KISSING  
IN FRONT OF HUGE SKINLESS HEADS  
HOW KEWL THAT WOULD BE

**Me**  
no you don't understand  
I will be there for sure, but not for you, I have to bring a book back  
to the university library that's in the same square  
I might be passing to say hello to the head though  
so we'll meet through a completely random encounter  
and we totally won't be a pair of weirdoes who met through accidental selfies

**Creep <3**  
oooh I see  
I'm not there for you either k  
preparing shots for filmmaking essay 

**Me**  
see, a completely random encounter

**Creep <3**  
of course  
like in RPGs 

**Me**  
at what hour should this random event take place  
wow nerd

**Creep <3**  
how much time do u take  
to change in the blue boxers

**Me**  
fuck Eren

**Creep <3**  
I really like ur butt in those k  
skulls also acceptable  
u have cutest undies btw

**Me**  
be there in half a hour y/n  
thanks I try

**Creep <3**  
wow who's thirsty now

**Me**  
If I take time to think about it I'm going to think myself into not coming

**Creep <3**  
I wasn't complaining  
I was on my way anyway  
don't chickenshit on me  
come on now ducker  
DON'T DO IT

**Me**  
you really on your way

**Creep <3**  
y I really have shit to do  
before the light goes 

**Me**  
please be there. If you're not there I'm going to fucking phone Armin for real  
and tell him his bff is a massive ducker and dumped me after I sent B)  
and he won't even understand wtf

**Creep <3**  
dude I'm here already right now  
as we speak  
looking for bottle blond dbag w/ flat butt

**Me**  
You sure are a dick wow  
Eren I'm coming but I'm so scared my stomach hurts

**Creep <3**  
Jean please  
I really do want to talk to u  
I kind of really like you k

**Me**  
you dork I'm right behind you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if Strauss exists wherever you live but it's not really that important. They sell houseware stuff. Probably could've gone with IKEA for the sake of the joke but Strauss is more German-ish to me ok bear with me.
> 
> Jean is calling Eren an animal, as you can probably guess from context.
> 
> ...Sorry if I forget anything ok. I always forget to say that if something isn't clear you should pester me until I make it so. I have a problem with assuming that everybody I meet has 100% exactly my same cultural background and does everything in my same weird-ass backwards way so do set me straight.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue! How did the date go? What do you think?

**Eren Jäger**  
ARMIN

 **Me**  
...is everything alright?

 **Eren Jäger**  
I'M MARRYING  
DO U WANNA BE BEST MAN

 **Me**  
Oh, Eren. Have you asked Jean at least?

 **Eren Jäger**  
WHY????  
HE CAN'T BE BOTH  
BEST MAN AND GROOM

 **Me**  
I mean you should ask Jean if he wants to marry you.

 **Eren Jäger**  
Oh, he'll say y for sure  
once I'm done w/ him B)

 **Me**  
I don't know why but that emoticon looks so...ominous.  
But I'm glad everything went well.

 **Eren Jäger**  
noooo see that the best part  
it went HORRIBLE  
we argue so bad  
we beat each other  
he gave me bloody nose  
I gave him black eye split lip  
txtin u from ER  
after police bring us here

 **Me**  
Eren! Omg! Stay right there, I'm calling your father and Mikasa

 **Eren Jäger**  
NO NO MIKASA  
no dad rlly I k

 **Me**  
There's more to this story, isn't it.

 **Eren Jäger**  
y course  
we in ER and I was ready to txt u  
come pick me up  
like I had the txt written  
but then he looks at me  
I look at him  
we just LAUGH  
like LOL IRL like loud as hell  
ppl came askin us to keep it quiet  
then we make out in the ER  
til they send a nurse to keep eye on us  
txt u waitin for them to dismiss us  
then we go to Jean's home  
and "we'll see what happens" he says  
(we'll fuck B))

 **Me**  
...That sure is a sequence of events that have happened.  
My God, Eren, do you ever do anything normally?

 **Eren Jäger**  
normal's boring

 **Me**  
Poor Jean didn't know what he signed up for on that fateful day  
when he sent his pics to your number.

 **Eren Jäger**  
actually ur fault lol

 **Me**  
I'm afraid I don't understand.

 **Eren Jäger**  
u phoned him from my phone once  
because u ran out of credit  
that why he had my n°  
so all Arm's fault :DDDDD

 **Me**  
...Oh God. You're technically right.

 **Eren Jäger**  
so r u gonna be best man or not

 **Me**  
At this point it's practically my moral duty. If Jean says yes one day, why not?

 **Eren Jäger**  
PERFECT

  


  


  


**JK**  
oi Conman let me be the one who gives you the horrible news  
you owe a full-course dinner at that thai place to Sasha

 **Me**  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
SHE WILL EAT ME INTO POVERTY WTF  
JOKERMAN COULDN'T U HAVE KEPT IN UR PANTS FOR NOTHER WEEK R WE NOT BROS

 **JK**  
WE ARE BROS SORRY sorry if it helps I'm doing it for Eren  
he so thirsty I'm afraid he will die if I don't give it to him like I'm saving a life here really 

**Me**  
WTF MAN HE CAN RESIST ISN'T HE LYK KARATE KID HE COULD WAX ON HIS DICK A LIL LONGER  
good on u for getting laid tho u go man 2 thumbs up

 **JK**  
thank you Connie you're always so supportive

  


  


  


**Eren**  
HORSE IN STABLE  
REPEAT  
HORSE IN STABLE

 **Me**  
Roger that. Calling off S &R ops. And congratulations, Eren.

 **Eren**  
thankssssssssssssssssss  
he so cute how did u let him get away

 **Me**  
Exactly because he is cute, he is more your type, Eren.

 **Eren**  
don't wait up for me k Mikarin

 **Me**  
Alright. But promise you'll tell me if he does something bad so I can kill him, Eren.

 **Eren**  
NO KILL JEAN

 **Me**  
It might become necessary in the future, Eren.

 **Eren**  
NO  
KILL  
JEAN

 **Me**  
Alright, alright. Go back to your date. No killing Jean. Promise, Eren.

 **Eren**  
ARE UR FINGERS CROSSED

 **Me**  
Of course not. I have a variety of ways of exacting revenge for a wronged sibling.  
Therefore I can afford to enforce a simple no kill rule, Eren.

 **Eren**  
ah wth I can settle for that for now  
see u later Mikarin <3

 **Me**  
Let me know if you need anything, Eren.  
Have fun and take lots of pics (=^-ω-^=)

  


  


  


**Me**  
How did the meeting w/ Eren went?

 **Jean K**  
it was a complete disaster from start to finish I think I'm in love

 **Me**  
I am not sure I understand???

 **Jean K**  
I'll explain when we meet okay? Just don't freak out when you see me

 **Me**  
Ok but for real, Jean...  
Do I need to come save you or was everything good or...

 **Jean K**  
I am horribly ashamed but  
would you be totally against going to sleep at Mina's tonight?

 **Me**  
WOW THAT good?

 **Jean K**  
I'm doing it mostly for Eren he will die if he doesn't at least give me head  
sorry that was maybe tmi

 **Me**  
Jean, I know you're kidding, but don't let him pressure you into things, k

 **Jean K**  
alright I lied  
he said he could wait but I can't  
I'm so fucking weak he's so fucking hot Marco I can't even conceive of this  
this incredibly hot bastard who wants to engage in some of the filthiest activities  
known to man with me I can't handle this I want it too bad  
I'm so ashamed

 **Me**  
Alright, THAT was a bit tmi.  
But! Don't be ashamed! If he's nice IRL too and you want to then you should go for it!  
No problems, Mina said she's ok w/ it! She's rooting for you too!  
I just bought a brand new box of condoms! It's in my bedside table!  
Go for it man! Go Jean!  
(Wash the sheets afterwards though please, I'm not washing them for you).

 **Jean K**  
y'all enablers I hate everything  
(thank you man)  
(thank Mina too she's an angel I'll cook something for her)  
(house will probably be spotless turns out Eren is some sort of clean freak)  
(tho I shouldn't probably let him use the washer now that I think about it)  
(goddammit I like him so much Marco I can't even handle myself)  
(I will have to make up some sort of cover story on how we met  
when I bring him home to mama, though)  
(hey do we still have nutella?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand that's a wrap! This was one heckuva ride.
> 
> The producers (me. It's just me) would like to thank everybody who:  
> \- took the chance to read this even if the premise is all sorts of ridicolous  
> \- read it up until here despite the stupidity and the schmoopyness  
> \- took the time to leave kudos  
> \- took the time to leave a comment you're all the best  
> \- just you. You who are reading this. You are the bestest best and you will meet a unicorn and all your dreams will come true.
> 
> This was an experiment for me - not just the format, but also the whole idea of writing a fic that didn't have any deeper reflection behind and was just simple plain fun.  
> About a couple years ago, I hit this massive writing slump, and I slowly came to realize it was probably because I was just pretending too much from myself and it was sucking all the fun out of the activity.  
> I realized recently I was doing it again, so I decided that this fic was going to be the opposite of that, playing fast and loose with everything from grammar to world-building to sometimes characterization, even (though I do hope I didn't go overboard). I just let myself be. Sometimes I stretched realism very thin for the sake of the joke, and sometimes I went overboard with the cute because cute. 
> 
> Like I said at the beginning, I wasn't even really sure about posting this, precisely because it's such an experiment. I had no idea how it would be received. But fanfic writers (all writers, probably) need feedback like normal people need air, so I just crossed my fingers and went with it. 
> 
> And it was the right choice. People were reading it with the same attitude I was writing it, that is to say, they had a boatload of fun with it. And this made me so happy, because for the first time in years I didn't feel the need to make everything all deep and complex to prove how good I am. And it was so fucking refreshing, you can't believe how much I needed that. 
> 
> So yeah, this is my big schmoopy sappy thank you to all of you. Y'all the best and I wub u like Eren wubs the B).
> 
> As I mentioned in the comments, I plan on writing some shorties (properly written, this time) about what was going on behind the scenes of this fic, and Jean and Eren being together IRL in this same universe. 
> 
> (I also have serious canon fic I want to write still, too, so if you miss that kind of fic from me you'll have it, don't worry. I just needed a pause, ok).
> 
> Please keep in mind that while I do have a tumblr I like never use it except for browsing tags so if you want to talk to me you'll have to use this site. Only don't talk to me because I'm boring as hell.


End file.
